A little humour

SSmith1226

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
'My friend is dead! What should I do?' The operator replies, 'Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead.'
There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the hunter says, 'OK, now what?'"

SSmith1226

BigDub

Back in the day, they had a thing called the Irish sweepstakes ( before there was a lottery ).
So Shamus Murphy bought a ticket, with the amount of the prize being $50,000. That was a huge amount of money, in those days, if he were to win. Mrs Murphy and his lovely daughter got to the mailbox before Shamus did, so they found out he won.
Concerned for his weak heart, they thought it might be best to call the local parish Priest to bring it to him gently....he would know better how to break it to him, of course.
So the old Priest gladly came over to do the kind deed.
"Mr Murphy, I heard you bought a ticket to the sweepstakes"
"Yes, father, I sure did"
"Well, isn't that something! And what would you do with all those winnings, if, of course, you won?" He said.
"Why, if I won, I would surely give half of the winnings to you and the church, father!"
The priest fell over dead with a heart attack.

SSmith1226

The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”

The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”

The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”

Bob Pixley

barliman2001

An old Austrian farmer - the kind who's still wearing leather trousers every day - gets a talking to by his wife. "You really should start wearing underpants at your age," she says. "It's much warmer and cleaner. I bought you a pair for your first trial." - "Ok" he says and puts them on before setting out for the fields. At midday, he feels the need for some relief and retires behind a hedge, lowering his leathers but forgetting the new underpants. After finishing what he came to do, he grudgingly concedes that his wife was right. "It's much warmer," he says to himself, and, looking behind him,"it's much cleaner, too!"

Newell Post

SSmith1226

The Comedy of Jimmy Stewart

J. Jericho

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

BigDub

There’s a crew building a deck across the street. They seem to be doing an ok job, but man, are they slow.
How slow? I know you're asking.
They went off to another job about a week ago and I thought they were still making steady progress.
One of them had a girlfriend, it seems. Heavy set, big boned, pretty face, as they say. She would stop by and visit her Bo.
Well. At least they build a strong deck.

Kehaulani

@J-Jericho said in A little humour:

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Hey, I liked it so much, I took it twice.

SSmith1226

An elderly couple goes to Burger King and shares their fries and burger. A trucker sitting next to them offers to pay for the old lady. "It's all right," says the old man. "We always share everything." On seeing that the old lady has not eaten anything, the trucker once again makes an offer. The old man once again assures the trucker to stay calm and resumes eating. Finally, the trucker asks the lady about not eating anything. The old lady replies, " I am waiting for the teeth."

Newell Post

BigDub

Ticket prices were higher this year for the balloon festival due to inflation

Dr GO

@BigDub said in A little humour:

Ticket prices were higher this year for the balloon festival due to inflation

Sounds to me more like a lot of hot air!

SSmith1226

A scene in Fryeburg, Maine this morning.

moshe

Police followed the police bloodhound to a house.
The police knocked down the front door.
It turned out to be the wrong house.
The bad guy had never been there.

The police bloodhound was put on trial.

The blodhound was put in the witness stand.

The prosecutor yelled,
'Why did you lead police to the wrong house?"

The bloodhound replied,

"I was just following odors".

I wrote that stupid pun 2 days ago.
I get 25 cents royalty every time it is repeated.
If I am lucky,
10 years from now I will have a dollar.

Morris / moshe

SSmith1226

I just stumbled across the following advice. It looked so wise, yet so simple, that I felt the need to share it. It is titled, “Five Ways For A Man To Be Completely Happy”. By reversing the sexes I’m sure that this applies equally as well to the female members of this forum.

Five Ways For A Man To Be Completely Happy

Be with a woman who who makes you laugh.
Be with a woman who gives you her time.
Be with a Woman who takes care of you.
Be with a woman who really loves you.
Finally, make sure that these four woman don’t know each other.

moshe

@SSmith1226 said in A little humour:

I just stumbled across the following advice. It looked so wise, yet so simple, that I felt the need to share it. It is titled, “Five Ways For A Man To Be Completely Happy”. By reversing the sexes I’m sure that this applies equally as well to the female members of this forum.

Five Ways For A Man To Be Completely Happy

Be with a woman who who makes you laugh.

Be with a woman who gives you her time.

Be with a Woman who takes care of you.

Be with a woman who really loves you.

Finally, make sure that these four woman don’t know each other.

Be with a woman who won't divorce you after 34 years.

I know from very painful experience.

I'm a Pentecostal Baptist,
but maybe a Mormon has an extra wife he can spare... ???

(will the moderator let that one through?)

Morris / moshe