@tjcombo
This may have come from TM a year or so ago. I thought of it because I am on a cruise close to the Antarctic and will be seeing Penguins for the next few days:

Bloke walks into a police station and asks the desk sergeant "Can you tell me, how tall is a penguin?"

The desk sergeant looks at him, puts down his pen, folds his arms and says "About two foot tall sir".

The bloke considers this, then asks "So how tall is a king penguin?"

The desk sergeant thinks for a second, and replies "I reckon about two foot six sir"

The bloke considers this for a short time, then ask "So how tall is an emperor penguin?"

The desk sergeant had to think of this, but being a wise man he responded "I reckon the tallest one recorded must have been in the region of three feet tall sir".

The bloke considers this fact, then looks the desk sergeant in the eye and says "in which case I have to report the fact I have run over a nun..."

**** HERE IT IS!!! THE LONG AWAITED, LONG ANTICIPATED, TRUMPETBOARDS.COM REMOTE PERFORMANCE YOUTH ENSEMBLE’S OFFICIAL WORLD DEBUT FEATURING SOME OF YOUR MOST BELOVED, OR NOT, TRUMPET BOARD MEMBERS.****

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said...... "I had to kill him with the chair."

Best effort!!

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the mailman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops, and lives 15 years,
A tortoise doesn't run or do anything, yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback; when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door; when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes; he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards; everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
    I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I posted this message on Trumpet Bosrds before: or did I get it from here?

This also might be effective in increasing range:

A recent news story about the famous “Villages” community in Central Florida:

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? Here's her story in her own words:
“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”

“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!”

“Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a real big bonus!”

)

As intricate and fast tempo as this performance was, I would wonder whether having Snookie Young standing and sitting directly behind Doc Severinsen keeping time on the sticks was a way of disguising a metronome to kelp keep him on track during the solos. Of course, during the piece, everyone was absolutely coordinated. Just look at Doc’s and Snookie Young’s fingers as they played Trumpet Section measures.

This 1974 video of Doc Severinsen and the Tonight Show Band showed up today on my YouTube Feed. The energy level, skill, and musicianship are outstanding for a live performance! It is hard to believe that this was 47 years ago.

SOLD………..

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience. During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it. God says NO and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck - you name it, she had it. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation when she is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" "Oh, " Said God. "I didn't recognize you."

For sale: Brand new Lotus 7L Brass mouthpiece that I received on June 15, 2021. It does not work for me. My cost with shipping was $151.52. I would be willing to sell it, and ship within the United States, for $130.00 (PayPal). My alternative is to return it for a refund. If anyone is interested in this let me know, otherwise, in a few days I will return it. I can be contacted at SSmith1226@aol.com

This gives me a new perspective to a pretty tune that was on the flip side of Bye Bye American Pie.

@bigdub said in How about a "Random Meaningless Image...let's see them string"?:

@ssmith1226
Is it kosher?

That is an interesting question. The general consensus is that for a wine to be considered kosher, it must be made under the supervision and certified by a Rabbi. This wine however is different. It also requires the supervision, certification, and blessing of a mohel.