@tjcombo
This may have come from TM a year or so ago. I thought of it because I am on a cruise close to the Antarctic and will be seeing Penguins for the next few days:

Bloke walks into a police station and asks the desk sergeant "Can you tell me, how tall is a penguin?"

The desk sergeant looks at him, puts down his pen, folds his arms and says "About two foot tall sir".

The bloke considers this, then asks "So how tall is a king penguin?"

The desk sergeant thinks for a second, and replies "I reckon about two foot six sir"

The bloke considers this for a short time, then ask "So how tall is an emperor penguin?"

The desk sergeant had to think of this, but being a wise man he responded "I reckon the tallest one recorded must have been in the region of three feet tall sir".

The bloke considers this fact, then looks the desk sergeant in the eye and says "in which case I have to report the fact I have run over a nun..."

**** HERE IT IS!!! THE LONG AWAITED, LONG ANTICIPATED, TRUMPETBOARDS.COM REMOTE PERFORMANCE YOUTH ENSEMBLE’S OFFICIAL WORLD DEBUT FEATURING SOME OF YOUR MOST BELOVED, OR NOT, TRUMPET BOARD MEMBERS.****

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said...... "I had to kill him with the chair."

Best effort!!

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the mailman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops, and lives 15 years,
A tortoise doesn't run or do anything, yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback; when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door; when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes; he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards; everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
    I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I posted this message on Trumpet Bosrds before: or did I get it from here?

This also might be effective in increasing range:

A recent news story about the famous “Villages” community in Central Florida:

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? Here's her story in her own words:
“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”

“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!”

“Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a real big bonus!”

)

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry.
He gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?
Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag

@j-jericho said in Trumpet Board Remote Performance:

I imagine playing the piccolo trumpet and the digideroo each require a slightly different technique.

You are absolutely spot on! I tried to use my standard Bach 7C for both, but every time I inserted it in the Didgeridoo, it fell out the other end along with some termites. Maybe if I had a Mt. Vernon 7C it might have worked better. Perhaps tjcombo, or one of other Australian members could chime in and set me straight.

The two person band version of Bolero, posted above, a month ago, was in preparation for a larger project I put together for the “New Horizons Band of Cape Cod”, which I am a member of. It served as a feasibility study as well as a source of individual instrumental click tracks for the below linked project. The New Horizons Band project used the same band arrangement. It was open to any band member, as well as local high school and middle school students by invitation of the Band Director. The end result was complicated and had a lot of moving parts. The lead up story was modified. The video is 11 minutes long and continues well beyond where you see “The End” on the screen to give a more conventional “encore” performance. It is best viewed on a tablet or computer screen and listened to with decent speakers, headphones, or earbuds. The individual parts were recorded on cell phones.

@j-jericho said in Progress in my comeback:

Nice story. I think we'll hear more from her in the future.

Entering the time machine, here is another child prodigy through the years who is now age 22, Lucienne Renaudin Vary.

“French trumpeter Lucienne Renaudin Vary can be called a prodigy, making major concert appearances in French venues throughout her teenage years and releasing her first major-label album at 18. Her training and her debut album on Warner Classics have been notable for their mixture of classical, jazz, and pop repertory.

Vary was born in Saint-Sébastien-sur-Loire, France, on January 28, 1999. Showing talent early on the trumpet, she enrolled at the Conservatory of Le Mans in 2007, taking classical trumpet lessons from Philippe Lafitte and jazz instruction from Santiago Quintans. At the Conservatoire National Supérieur de Musique et de Danse in Paris, she matriculated at first as a classical trumpet student, under Clément Garrec, but in 2017 she added jazz and improvisation to her course of study. Vary's record of strong competition showings began in 2010 with a win at the Selmer Le Parnasse contest, and in November of that year she finished third in the European Competition for Young Trumpet Players, even though the contest was for players 14 through 17, and she was only 11.

Vary made her first festival appearances in 2012 at the Eurochestrie and Annecy festivals. In 2013 she appeared on French television in a tribute to trumpeter Maurice André, and by 2014 she had a busy festival schedule that included appearances in Colmar, Antibes, and Royan, performing at the last-named in a duet with star English trumpeter Alison Balsom. She also gave her first major jazz concert that year, in Le Mans at the city's Nuit de chimères event. Since then, she has divided her time roughly equally between classical and jazz appearances. Vary won a Victoire de la musique classique award in 2016 in the category of Instrumental Soloist Revelation. She made a guest soloist appearance at the Cartagena Music Festival in Colombia in 2017, becoming the festival's youngest-ever soloist and making her debut in the Americas.

The Voice of the Trumpet
In 2013
Vary made her recording debut on an album by French trumpeter Guy Touvron, playing a work by Benedetto Marcello and joining Touvron on two-trumpet concertos by Saverio Mercadanteand G.F. Handel. In 2016 she was signed to the Warner Classics label and issued her solo debut, The Voice of the Trumpet, the following year. The program combined classical works, few of them standards, with jazz treatments of Broadway hits.”

At age 16:

At age 19:

At age 21:

Just when I thought that I was making progress in my comeback i found this video. Below the video is a link about the featured musician.

https://weartv.com/news/local/this-incredible-young-trumpet-player-will-blow-you-away

@barliman2001
Welcome Back barliman2001!!!

@bigdub
Thanks!

@tjcombo
Thanks!

My latest remote performance was with my niece who plays flute. It tells the story of an egotistical nightclub owner and dancer, Raoul, who is world famous for his dance, the”Bolero”. His Parisian Nightclub reopens after the end of World War I, with the club packed with an enthusiastic audience who are excited with anticipation to once again see the Bolero performed. His regular dance partner was drunk an was unable to perform. On top of that his band ate a bad batch of escargot and all were deathly ill. As fate would have it, a former dance partner, and romantic interest, Helen, who was now a member of high society, was in the audience with her husband, and musicians, Elana and Steve, were available by Zoom. The evening was saved, and just like in the case of the Titanic, the band played on.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said...... "I had to kill him with the chair."

@tjcombo
You must be very Devo-ted to this breed.