I have great concerns about the past and the records of my past.
The internet is littered with records of me and I wince when I see them, I was so inept as a player in those days.
This site has comments I have made in the past some were worth making but some have not stood the test of time, and I apologise for them.
Before the internet people only saw us when we presented ourselves and as we grew and matured and improved people and audiences only saw us at our most developed and matured on the day they saw us. Unless we released a track a single or appeared in a movie where we had the opportunity to make it the best we could at the time.
In the studio we rarely simply play and publish and be damned whatever we play warts and all.
In movies we might make one take 5 takes 10 takes or a hundred. Only the best makes it onto the screen. That is the way it should be.
And when we released a track we could make sure that we showed ourselves well. If you come in late you do it again if you hit a wrong note or sound like a strangled cat you do it again and make it right. Then you cut a disk or a cd or a whatever.
Now instead the public publish whatever they record and then we have a record in perpetuity that will live forever of whatever they recorded and they dont care if we sound or look good.
I and many others appear on the internet having had no opportunity to reject poor sound poor playing poor cinematography.
I have worked in the studio and we spent time polishing and refining until we sounded the way we wanted, until we sounded professional.
A short clip of us taken without our knowledge or consent then published on a facebook page and then published widely or a home movie made with poor sound quality suffering from neglect or incompetence of the movie maker lives on now forever.
Am I to refuse to appear in public until I have fully developed and matured my playing and always sound great, waiting 20 years before venturing out in public in fear of being condemned forever.
We get better until we die and each performance is a snapshot of where we are, how inconsistent we are, and if we ate gorgonzola unwisely before playing and suffered with limp lips because of it.
I am far better now than I ever was as a student player, but must I be judged for once being a fool with a horn who mostly sounded like a braying goat.
The internet is a great teacher, a good school and assistance in so many ways, and yet it is also a great leveller and a bloodthirsty destroyer of careers for there is no controlling it or avoiding it.
I love the internet and I hate it, I wish there was a time machine where my present day self can travel back to my earliest days and show the world what I would eventually become.
We musicians start out as the worst example of what we can be and become over several decades the best we can be. Must we live forever with our worst and always be judged for it.
All we can really say is Que sera sera whatever will be will be and suck it up. Be the best we can be on the day and let the chips fall where they will.