Best posts made by SSmith1226

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

Cornu de Pompeii

The logo “Circe” on the trumpet in question is very appropriate! Circe, in Greek Mythology was a goddess. Odysseus visits her island of Aeaea on the way back from the Trojan War. Circe changes most of his crew into swine. That has happened many times to me, even when I primarily play my Bach.

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said: ” You may have three wishes but you must know that whatever you wish for, your boss will get double.”
The man agreed and said: “I want a million dollars.”
Bang! He got it and immediately his boss received two million.
Next he said: “I want a Ferrari.”

And so just like that, he got one and his boss got two. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.
Finally he said: “Well I’ve always wanted to give a kidney.”

Another old Christmas Joke, but worth repeating:

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
“How do I get him to sing?” the young man asked excitedly.
“Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet,” was the shop owner’s reply.
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
“How beautiful!” she exclaimed. “Can he talk?”

“No,” the young man replied, “but he can sing. Let me show you.”
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!”
The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night.”

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked: “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?”
The man did not know. “Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…”

@barliman2001

The background of this song is very interesting. The Artist, Los Angeles born jazz pianist, ”Scatman John“ ( John Paul Larkin), became very popular in the UK, Europe and Japan. This recording was a number one hit in Germany, where he lived in the 1990s. I have to admit that before your post, I never heard of him, or this song. John Larkin had one problem that makes this performance incredible. He had a terrible stuttering issue.
“For the rest of the Story”:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scatman_John

Bucket List Now That I'm Older:

1. My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza; are you happy now?

3. How to prepare Tofu:
   a. Throw it in the trash
   b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being 80 (or almost), I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. November 3, 2019 marked the end of Daylight Saving Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

16. I think I'll adopt the new "Cardiologist's Diet" my doctor said was necessary to my health: "If it tastes good, spit it out."

17. Mixing a little coconut oil into your kale makes it easier to scrape into the garbage can.

@SSmith1226 said in A little humour:

@barliman2001 said in A little humour:

@SSmith1226 Steve, you forgot one: My wife says I've only got two faults - My forgetfulness and something else.

Is this why?

An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After he finished his wine, he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar.

It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.

When he arrived at his front door, he realised he didn’t have his keys. He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom. He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the men’s room, and realised he’d left his hat on the table.

He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked: “Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”

@BigDub
What is your opinion of John Gnagy? I remember, as a young child, his drawing TV shows in the 1950’s. According to what I read. He started his TV show in 1946. I also remember my mother owning a “John Gnagy Drawing Kit”.
Those were much simpler times!

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

A week later John reports back to his friend, and he’s much happier.

“The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

@Dr-GO said in Instrument Maintenance:

For me, I first soak in moderate warm soapy water at 101 F. Then I will add a bit of conditioner to the water. After about a good 15 minute soak, I then drain the tub and pat EVERYTHING dry. Immediately after this I chose a 100 Proof pure grain alcohol cleansing....

...Then I will wash my horns!

It sounds like you washed your horn. Perhaps you might clean your trumpet next.

@Dr-GO said in How about a "Random Meaningless Image...let's see them string"?:

I did not know Alligators could read!

Corona Virus Bowling Alley Etiquette

ESTATE PLANNING:
My buddy Dave was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. 
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Dave wanted two things:
• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,
• to find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. 
Her natural beauty took his breath away .
I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
 
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.