Best posts made by SSmith1226

@tjcombo
This may have come from TM a year or so ago. I thought of it because I am on a cruise close to the Antarctic and will be seeing Penguins for the next few days:

Bloke walks into a police station and asks the desk sergeant "Can you tell me, how tall is a penguin?"

The desk sergeant looks at him, puts down his pen, folds his arms and says "About two foot tall sir".

The bloke considers this, then asks "So how tall is a king penguin?"

The desk sergeant thinks for a second, and replies "I reckon about two foot six sir"

The bloke considers this for a short time, then ask "So how tall is an emperor penguin?"

The desk sergeant had to think of this, but being a wise man he responded "I reckon the tallest one recorded must have been in the region of three feet tall sir".

The bloke considers this fact, then looks the desk sergeant in the eye and says "in which case I have to report the fact I have run over a nun..."

**** HERE IT IS!!! THE LONG AWAITED, LONG ANTICIPATED, TRUMPETBOARDS.COM REMOTE PERFORMANCE YOUTH ENSEMBLE’S OFFICIAL WORLD DEBUT FEATURING SOME OF YOUR MOST BELOVED, OR NOT, TRUMPET BOARD MEMBERS.****

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said...... "I had to kill him with the chair."

Best effort!!

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the mailman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops, and lives 15 years,
A tortoise doesn't run or do anything, yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback; when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door; when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes; he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards; everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
    I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I posted this message on Trumpet Bosrds before: or did I get it from here?

This also might be effective in increasing range:

A recent news story about the famous “Villages” community in Central Florida:

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? Here's her story in her own words:
“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”

“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!”

“Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a real big bonus!”

)

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Columnist, Neil Steinberg, “A great trumpet is 'a thing of beauty, an extension of you'” The Chicago Sun-Times has published a fascinating, well written article, which takes a look inside the Conn- Selmer Company, trying to re-create the world's best, and most legendary trumpets. As a sample, the article quotes John Hagstrom, who says in the discussion of what constitutes a great instrument. “It’s the difference between a racing bike and a three-speed Schwinn,” said Hagstrom, who owns hundreds of trumpets and plays about a dozen regularly. “Lots of trumpets play well, but are not good compliments to the texture of an orchestra. A great instrument is a thing of beauty, an extension of you, of your voice. That’s really intoxicating. In the broadest sense, the trumpet is beautiful. It represents someone’s thoughtful solution to a struggle that is harder than it looks — a carefully balanced piece of tubing that makes possible your musical envisioning.”
The entire piece can be found at the following link::

https://chicago.suntimes.com/columnists/2024/04/18/trumpet-making-instrument-manufacturer-conn-selmer-chicago-symphony-orchestra-music

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry.
He gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?
Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag

Low Notes:

In an interesting interview with Alison Balsom, when asked, “What does it take to succeed on this instrument?”, she answered, “It’s incredibly physically demanding to play the trumpet, and it’s not like weightlifting – it’s like dancing. You have to be really strong, and graceful and supple in that strength. But also, the muscles in your embouchure” – the position and use of the lips, tongue and teeth while playing – “are so small that it doesn’t take much for your lip to be gone – and then no notes will come out. The idea of walking on stage in front of an amazing orchestra and a full audience, but knowing that at any minute something might happen and you can’t get another note out – it’s a high wire act. You’ve got to stay calm. It takes a certain sang-froid in your personality to handle that pressure.”
A link to the rest of the interview:
https://inews.co.uk/culture/music/alison-balsom-interview-classical-music-2993333

@Vulgano-Brother

I am currently on a cruise ship which started out in Lima, Peru and we have worked our way into Ports in Peru and Chile. Trumpet players don’t seem to get much respect in the parts of South America that I have seen thus far. There are no Trumpet Players in the Ship’s Show Band.
From the bottom two photos, you can see how they treat trumpet Players in the Plaza Aramas of Lima. I should add that the guano best seen in the last photo is considered very valuable as a fertilizer.
You can also see some “Vintage Incan Trumpets” in the second photo in the series.
The wooden carving in the first photo was in the home of the Chilean Poet Pablo Neruda. That explains the absence of guano. By the way, Pablo should not be confused with Johann Baptist Georg Neruda, the 18th century Czech composer of the Neruda Trumpet Concerto. They are totally unrelated.

I apologize in advance if this post should have been placed under “Pedagogy”, perhaps under “James Stamp” or “Medical Concerns” subcategory “Hernias”. I was going through some files I had saved 2 years ago and found this one. I don’t recall where it came from. It could have been from TM or some other site. Never the less, I thought that the lessons that could be learned were so worthwhile that it should be resurrected in spite of the hernia risk.

There was a man who worked for the
Post Office whose job was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed
in a shaky handwriting to God
with no actual address.
He thought he should open it
to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow,
living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse.
It had $100 in it, which was
all the money I had until my
next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas,
and I had invited two of my friends
over for dinner. Without that money,
I have nothing to buy food with,
have no family to turn to,
and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers..
Each one dug into his or her wallet
and came up with a few dollars..
By the time he made the rounds,
he had collected $96, which they
put into an envelope and sent
to the woman. The rest of the day,
all the workers felt a warm glow
thinking of Edna and the dinner
she would be able to share
with her friends...
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter
came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around
while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me ?
Because of your gift of love,
I was able to fix a glorious dinner
for my friends. We had a very nice
day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those
bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna

Can't please everyone..

An old one but good:

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says: “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies: “I don’t know. But let’s make a deal – if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper: “Sol… Sol…”

Sol responds: “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks: “So, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Give me the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says: “Well, there is baseball in heaven.”
Sol says: “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”
Abe replies: “You’re pitching on Friday.”