Best posts made by SSmith1226

A scene in Fryeburg, Maine this morning.

Five surgeons from the big cities are discussing which kind of person makes the best patient to operate on.
The first surgeon, a woman from New York, says: “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second, a man from Chicago, replies: “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour coded.”
A third surgeon from Boston adds: “No way! I think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth, from Dalas, says: “I’ve always liked construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

The final surgeon, from Washington DC, dismisses all the others and tells a story of his own.
“You’re all wrong,” he says. “Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no balls, no brains and no spine. Also, the head and ass are interchangeable.”

A group of friends went to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took the order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought the water and cutlery, one of the men noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then he looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve the soup the customer asked: “Why the spoon?”
“Well,” he explained. “The restaurant’s owners revamped all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, the customer then dropped his spoon and the waiter was able to replace it with his spare.
“I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.”

The customer also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zipper on his trousers. Looking around, he noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, the customer asked the waiter: “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. The owners also found out that we can save time in the bathroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the bathroom by 76.39 per cent.”

The customer asked: “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”
“Well,” he whispered. “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

An employee went to speak to his boss. “Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?”
“Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?” the boss said.
“Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this firm for over ten years.”
“Yes.”
“I won’t beat around the bush,” the employee said. “Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.”
The boss answered: “Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?”

“Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!”
“Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?” the boss asked.
“Oh, the electric company, gas company, water company and the mortgage company!”

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”

His new bride pondered this for a moment said: “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I’m a hooker.”

“No problem,” said her husband. “Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”

A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn’t improve.

Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said: “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

@IrishTrumpeter said in A little humour:

I went to my bank this morning and asked the cashier if I could make a withdrawal

He said yes

So I walked out

A number of years ago I was taking my kids to Disney World. As we approached the end of the highway exit, the sign said “Disney World Left”, so I turned around and drove home. My kids never forgave me.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look man, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

Seems funny but ironically is true:

This is the menu from the Amadeus café in Mahon Menorca. It is unlikely that Mozart composed this.

Interesting analysis on why we forward jokes:

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead:

He remembered dying and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out. "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven sir." The man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?"
The man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in and I’ll have some ice water brought right up. The man gestured and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend?" Gesturing toward his dog, ’come in, too." The traveller asked.

"I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me." He called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here’ the traveller gestured to the dog?"

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" The traveller asked.

"This is Heaven." He answered.

"Well, that’s confusing." The traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell."

"Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind’.

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don’t know what and don’t know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are welcome at my water bowl anytime!

The following is a project that I have been working on for a few days. My grandson, who is autistic asked me to act out and perform the classic song, “Cold Miser” from the 1976 production of “The year Without Santa Claus”. He will be visiting my wife and I in Florida 12 days from now, and I plan on presenting him with this production at that time.
I have never sang in public, or for that matter, in private, but here it is. Please be kind.

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
This demonstrates that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.

From a “trumpet shop” I recently visited.

Those were the good old days.