A little humour

barliman2001

What have viola players in common with condoms? - It's correct with them, but nicer without...

barliman2001

What is a blonde doing running round a Tesla car? -

Looking for the filler cap...

J. Jericho

SSmith1226

@J-Jericho
Same principle as the joke I posted on the previous page that I Posted also in August.
You sure know how to hurt a guy J. Jericho!!!

Tobylou8

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe???

Roberto!!

What does a nut say when it sneezes??

Cashew

I really wanted a camouflage shirt.

But I couldn't find one!!

J. Jericho

@SSmith1226 said in A little humour:

@J-Jericho
You sure know how to hurt a guy J. Jericho!!!

When it comes to pain, 'tis better to give than to receive.

SSmith1226

SSmith1226

Bucket List Now That I'm Older:

My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza; are you happy now?
How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
I love being 80 (or almost), I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
November 3, 2019 marked the end of Daylight Saving Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
I think I'll adopt the new "Cardiologist's Diet" my doctor said was necessary to my health: "If it tastes good, spit it out."
Mixing a little coconut oil into your kale makes it easier to scrape into the garbage can.

barliman2001

@SSmith1226 Steve, you forgot one: My wife says I've only got two faults - My forgetfulness and something else.

SSmith1226

@barliman2001 said in A little humour:

@SSmith1226 Steve, you forgot one: My wife says I've only got two faults - My forgetfulness and something else.

GoJericho8, that could fall under 10 or 11.....wait, what did you say? Could you repeat that again? Also, what does your wife think about that?

SSmith1226

@SSmith1226 said in A little humour:

SSmith1226

@barliman2001 said in A little humour:

@SSmith1226 Steve, you forgot one: My wife says I've only got two faults - My forgetfulness and something else.

Is this why?

An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After he finished his wine, he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar.

It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.

When he arrived at his front door, he realised he didn’t have his keys. He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom. He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the men’s room, and realised he’d left his hat on the table.

He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked: “Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”

Kehaulani

This isn't a joke but a humorous anecdote.

Benny Goodman was known for being somewhat spaced out and forgetful at times. Doris Day tells of an event in New York.

After a daytime rehearsal, she and Benny grabbed a cab together. They jumped in the cab but sat there quietly while Benny daydreamed, presumably about the previous rehearsal.

After a few moments the cab driver looked back, over his shoulder and said, ""Well?", to which Benny jumped out of the cab and proceeded to pay his fare.

Kehaulani

As a rehearsal was ending, Sir Thomas Beecham was giving last minute instructions to his orchestra. Joining in, a guest soloist asked if help was needed getting her piano off the stage. "I don't believe so, Madame", answered Sir Thomas. "I think it will slink off of it's own accord".

Kehaulani

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving Boca Chica Beach, well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden.

The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."

"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"
"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.
"Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well, when are you going to call them back?".
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"

neal085

A neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 AM. At 3 AM, mind you!

Luckily for me, I was already up playing the bag pipes.

J. Jericho

J. Jericho

This brought tears to my eyes:

barliman2001

@J-Jericho Still, it could be worse...
https://www.classicfm.com/music-news/latest-news/piano-smash/