A little humour

SSmith1226

A man goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen will you let me drink for free tonight?” The bartender says, “Let me see and I’ll consider it.”

So the man reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing, and not just chopsticks but Chopin, some ragtime and even some rock’n’roll.

After a few minutes the bartender says “Okay, I’m impressed, you can drink for free.” As the bartender is pouring the man a drink the man says, “Hey, if I show you something even more amazing will you let me drink for free for a month?”

The bartender says, “Okay, but this had better be spectacular.” So the man reaches into his bag and pulls out a microphone and a frog. The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano.

The bartender says, “Okay, you can drink here for free for a month.”

Another customer at the end of the bar has been watching. He walks over and says, “I’m a theater producer and I’d like to buy that frog and put him in a show. Will you sell it to me for $500?” The man says no, so the producer offers to buy the frog for $5000, and the man agrees.

As the producer leaves with the frog the bartender says, “I can’t believe you sold the frog! It was worth more.” “Not really” the man says, “The hamster is a ventriloquist.”

Dr GO

@SSmith1226 said in A little humour:

There is a pretty good physical resemblance to Osho, the Sex Guru. The dialect of the one I posted could be West Virginian. Osho on the other hand sounds like he is from Brooklyn, Jersey or Mumbi.

Somehow sex and a Brooklyn, Jersey accent would NOT get me to home base.

SSmith1226

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really rich.”
Instantly, her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

“And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

She turns into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish?” asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
“Ooh… Can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.

And suddenly there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

SSmith1226

@Dr-GO

Somehow sex and a Brooklyn, Jersey accent would NOT get me to home base.

Would you like to reconsider? Watch at 1:25

Or was this what you were referring to?

barliman2001

Two Scotsmen are having a posh meal in an expensive restaurant. At the end of the meal, one of them is heard calling for the bill for both of them.
The newspaper headline next day?

VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED

SSmith1226

Dr GO

J. Jericho

Kehaulani

@J-Jericho

Tobylou8

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

J. Jericho

Dr GO

@J-Jericho said in A little humour:

Gotta be true as J-Jericho really knows his $hit!

J. Jericho

Dr GO

J. Jericho

Kehaulani

The sad thing is that others are, and if you don't stock up, yourself, they may deprive you of some when you routinely need some.

It's like New Years' Eve. I'm not afraid I can't handle drinking. I'm afraid of all the others who can't handle their's. "Amateur's Night."

Dr GO

@Kehaulani said in A little humour:

The sad thing is that others are, and if you don't stock up, yourself, they may deprive you of some when you routinely need some.

It's like New Years' Eve. I'm not afraid I can't handle drinking. I'm afraid of all the others who can't handle their's. "Amateur's Night."

Sooner or later I handle both versions of alcohol use in my medical practice. Wish I didn't have to.

A Former User

Teacher: "Give me a sentence with the word "contagious" in it".

Little girl: "The man next door was painting his house with a 2-inch brush and my dad said, "It'll take the contagious".

Bob Pixley

Dr GO