My Grandchildren visited us the week of Feb 17. We put together a music project. They are singing and I’m playing all the instrumental parts including Trumpets, Trombone, EWI Tenor Sax, EWI Baritone sax, MIDI: Piano, Bass, Drums, Synthesizer, Guitar…Etc.
An elderly couple goes to Burger King and shares their fries and burger. A trucker sitting next to them offers to pay for the old lady. "It's all right," says the old man. "We always share everything." On seeing that the old lady has not eaten anything, the trucker once again makes an offer. The old man once again assures the trucker to stay calm and resumes eating. Finally, the trucker asks the lady about not eating anything. The old lady replies, " I am waiting for the teeth."
@tjcombo said in A little humour:
@administrator "humour' is something that amuses me - like American spelling
That’s like the kettle calling the pot black. How about “Australian Vocabulary”? (I’ll try and clean it up)
A Cold One – Beer
Accadacca – How Aussies refer to Australian band ACDC
Ankle Biter – Child
Arvo – Afternoon (S’Arvo – this afternoon!)
Aussie Salute – Wave to scare the flies
Avo – Avocado
Bail – To cancel plans. ‘Bruce bailed’ = Bruce isn’t going to turn up.
Barbie – Barbecue
Bathers – Swimsuit
Beauty! – Great! Most often exclaimed as “You Beauty”
Billabong – A pond in a dry riverbed
Billy – Teapot (In the Outback on the fire)
Bloody – Very. Used to extenuate a point
Bloody oath – yes or its true. “You right mate?”… “Bloody Oath”
Bludger – Someone who’s lazy, generally also who relies on others (when it’s someone who relies on the state they’re often called a ‘dole bludger’)
Bogan – This word is used for people who are, well let’s say, rednecks. Or, if you like, just call your friends a bogan when they are acting weird.
Booze Bus – Police vehicle used to catch drunk drivers
Bottle-O – Bottle Shop, basically a place to buy alcohol
Brekky – Breakfast
Brolly – Umbrella
Bruce – An Aussie Bloke
Budgie Smugglers – Speedos
Bush – “Out in the bush” – “he’s gone bush” In the countryside away from civilisation
Cab Sav – Cabernet Sauvignon
Cactus – Dead, Broken
Choc A Bloc – Full
Choccy Biccy – Chocolate Biscuit
Chook – Chicken
Chrissie – Christmas
Ciggy – a Cigarette
Clucky – feeling maternal
Cobber – Very good friend. ‘Alright me ‘ol cobber’.
Coldie – Beer. ‘Come over for a few coldie’s mate.’
Coppers – Policemen
Crack the shits – Getting angry at someone or something
Crikey – an expression of surprise
Crook – Being ill or angry; ‘Don’t go crook on me for getting crook’
C8 the “C” word – Used when exchanging pleasantries between close friends or family member. If someone calls you the “C” word in Australia (and you haven’t done anything to make them angry), then breathe a sigh of relief… it means you have entered the mate zone.
Dag – Someone who’s a bit of a nerd or geek.
Daks – Trousers. ‘Tracky daks’ = sweatpants (tracksuit pants)
Dardy – meaning “cool”, is used amongst South West Australian Aboriginal peoples and has also been adopted by non-indigenous teens. – source
Deadset – True
Defo – Definitely
Devo – Devastated
Drongo – a Fool, ‘Don’t be a drongo mate’
Dunny – Toilet
Durry – Cigarette
Esky – An insulated container that keeps things cold (usually beers)
Facey – Facebook
Fair Dinkum – ‘Fair Dinkum?’ … ‘Fair Dinkum!’ = Honestly? … Yeah honestly!
Flannie / Flanno – flannelette shirt
Flat out – Really busy – “Flat out like a lizard drinking” – As busy as a bee
Footy – Football (AFL / Aussie Rules)
Frothy – Beer
F* Me Dead – that’s unfortunate, that surprises me
Furphy – rumours or stories that are improbable or absurd
G’day – Hello
Galah – an Australian cockatoo with a reputation for not being bright, hence a galah is also a stupid person.
Gnarly – awesome – often used by surfers
Going off – busy, lots of people / angry person “he’s going off”
Good On Ya – Good work
Goon – the best invention ever produced by mankind. Goon is a cheap, boxed wine that will inevitably become an integral part of your Australian backpacking experience.
Hard yakka – Hard work
Heaps – loads, lots, many
Hoon – Hooligan (normally driving badly!)
Iffy – bit risky or unreasonable
Knickers – female underwear
Lappy – Laptop
Larrikin – Someone who’s always up for a laugh, bit of a harmless prankster
Legless – Someone who is really drunk
Lollies – Sweets
Maccas – McDonalds
Manchester – Sheets / Linen etc. If you’re from England, finding a department within a shop called Manchester could seriously confuse you.
Mongrel – Someone who’s a bit of a dick
Mozzie – Mosquito
No Drama – No problem / it’s ok
No Worries – No problem / it’s ok
No Wucka’s – A truly Aussie way to say ‘no worries’
Nuddy – Naked
Outback – The interior of Australia, “The Outback” is more remote than those areas named “the bush”
Pash – to kiss
Piece of Piss – easy
Piss Off – go away, get lost
Piss Up – a party, a get together and in Australia – most social occasions
Piss – (To Piss) to urinate
Pissed – Intoxicated, Drunk
Pissed Off – Annoyed
Rack Off – The less offensive way to tell someone to ‘F Off’!
Rapt – Very happy
Reckon – for sure. ‘You Reckon?’… ‘I reckon!’
Rellie / Rello – Relatives
Ripper – ‘You little ripper’ = That’s fantastic mate!
Root Rat – someone who enjoys sex (maybe a little too much)
Rooted – Tired or Broken
Runners – Trainers, Sneakers
Sanger – Sandwich
Servo – Service Station / Garage
Shark biscuit – kids at the beach
Sheila – A woman
Shoot Through – To leave
Sick – awesome; ‘that’s really sick mate’
Sickie – a sick day off work, or ‘to pull a sickie’ would be to take a day off when you aren’t actually sick
Skull – To down a beer
Slab – A carton of beers
Snag – Sausage
Stiffy – Erection
Stoked – Happy, Pleased
Straya – Australia
Strewth – An exclamation of surprise
Stubby – a bottle of beer
Stubby Holder – Used so your hands don’t get cold when holding your beer, or to stop your hands making your beer warm!
Stuffed – Tired
Sunnies – Sunglasses
Swag – Single bed you can roll up, a bit like a sleeping bag.
Tea – Dinner
Tinny – Can of beer or small boat
Thongs – Flip Flops. Do not be alarmed if your new found Australian friend asks you to wear thongs to the beach. They are most likely expressing their concern of the hot sand on your delicate feet.
True Blue – Genuinely Australian
Tucker – Food. ‘Bush Tucker’ tends to be food found in the Outback such as witchety grubs.
Two Up – A gambling game played on Anzac day.
U-IE – to take a U-Turn when driving
Up Yourself – Stuck up
Woop Woop – middle of nowhere “he lives out woop woop”
Ya – You
Yous – (youse) plural of you!
@tjcombo said in A little humour:
So this trumpet player walked past a bar....
(seriously, it could happen :-))
The following cartoons are on the npr site. They are all by the same cartoonist. There are many more examples of his work on the site. What makes this work unique is that the cartoonist, Jeffery Curnow, an “Artist Among Us”, is the Associate Principal Trumpet of the Philadelphia Orchestra. In addition to his work seen on “npr”, he is the illustrator of Mark Gould’s book, “Orchestra Confidential”, a funny and informative book in itself.
You will not find a better investment of ten minutes of your time than this video. It has nothing to do with music, but with life. If you have seen it before, watch it again.
@Tobylou8 said in A little humour:
A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales; So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The guy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, the same guy, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the guy said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are sitting in a pub in America and the Scott says, "As good as this pub is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs to a private room and see that you gets some real fun, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
This may be very timely. My wife insists that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I find shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Smith:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Censored
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
Censored
And last, but not least:
If anyone else is offended please pm me or email me and I will remove what offends you.
Thanks.
Steve Smith
SSmith1226@aol.com
The Hotel Bill
The lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $450.00 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman, "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes’ discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.
The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.
"Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have."
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
An old man who loves to fish was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say: “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again: “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said: “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said: “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said: “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said: “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
A young man wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire himself out as a handy man and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for him to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” the owner said. “How much will you charge me?”
The man quickly responded: “How about $50?”
The owner agreed and told him that the paint and everything he would need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband: “Does he realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?”
The husband shrugged and went off on his way. A short time later, the man came to the door to collect his money.
“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes,” the man replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the owner reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to him.
“And by the way,” the man added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said: “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
So the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweller said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said: “We’ll take it.”
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. “I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man and said: “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man. “But can you imagine the weekend I had?”
A woman in Birmingham calls her daughter in New York a day before Christmas Eve and says: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your father and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Mom, what are you talking about?” the daughter screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the mother says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so can you call your brother in Los Angeles and tell him.”
Frantically, the sister calls her brother who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” he shouts. “I’ll take care of this!”
He calls Birmingham immediately and says to his mother: “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there.”
“I’m calling my sister back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The woman hangs up his phone and turns to her husband.
“Problem Solved! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”
