Best posts made by barliman2001

@SSmith1226 As Mark Twain once said, "Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They must be changed frequently, and for the same reason."

@Dr-GO Get into contact with allegro optical in Meltham, UK. They specialize in musicians' glasses and are able to provide you with variable varifocals to your needs. All employees there are musicians themselves and know exactly what to do. I just got my first set from them - fabulous. Previously, I had the problem that after a cataract operation, my eye accommodation was gone. So I had to use reading glasses for the music, but then the conductor was way out of focus and sometimes, even hard to see. Now, that problem is gone (no, I haven't switched to viola). I can read the music clearly and comfortably, and the conductor stays in focus as well.

Last week, I lost nine pounds.
Luckily, I found them again in the cookie jar.

A year or two back, I discovered an almost-like-new LA Olds Recording in Votruba's in Vienna. Had been there for quite some time... they were only too happy to take my UMI Benge 7 for it (decent horn, but I somehow never got to grips with it), because the Benge was normal style and the Recording's Balanced style just did not catch on in Vienna... now, it's my main big band axe. Serial # 1018xx, dating it to approximately to 1954... so far, I always played it with a Bach Megatone 1C, but yesterday, I ordered a Swiss Brand Turbo 1 1/2 C in blue transparent plastic. got it today, delivered directly into my room in the rehab clinic - Thomann are great! - and it went from wonderful to spectacular... the new mouthpiece somehow released another half octave in range... and it does sound great, even though it is rather lightweight. And it's so warm on the lips - I am due to play with a local brass group on New Year's Eve, outside, and that mouthpiece was ordered for that purpose - in the hope that Thomann would only deliver it in the New Year, giving me an excuse to back out... great service!
Would love to post a few pics, but my phone is not on speaking terms with my laptop just now...

FACT: Einstein applied for a Chair of Mathematics in Zurich and was rejected because "his theories were too far-fetched for use in academic teaching."

Actually, the Latin version has not "corners" but the word plagis which can mean anything from "net" to "hit" to "foundation". And that in itself is just a translation from Hebrew kânâph meaning "uttermost extremity" or "wingtip". So you could possibly imagine a bird-shaped Earth, with the peoples gathering from the uttermost wingtips of the bird (somewhat like the giant turtle in Terry Pratchett's writings).

"Nurse, did you take blood from the guy in 243?" -
"Yes, Doctor, but I only got about ten pints. He's sleeping peacefully now."

President Trump and the Archbishop of Canterbury are playing golf together. Rather frequently, the POTUS misses his putt and every time, he explains, "Darn! I missed!". The Archbishop reminds him of the commandment not to swear, telling him Heaven will record his actions and deal out fitting punishment. At the next hole, the POTUS misses a 2-inch putt: "Darn! I missed!" A dark cloud is gathering in the sky, and out of that cloud, a bolt of lightning hits the Archbishop, killing him instantly, Then, a voice is heard from the cloud: "Darn! I missed!"

A wife, being somewhat romantic, sends a text to her husband who's on a business trip:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears...I love you!"
The husband's reply?
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

JUST LOOK AT THIS!!

https://moteefe.com/store/trombone/born-to-be-a-trombone?color=black&cp=OFF2020&fbclid=IwAR3I2J8YFMKD8PYCb1tf9xXCt1vsRH-KqIyRz5RRvXiXY69CHe9kTeMVatc&product=unisex-t-shirt

John entered a Covid-19 Vaccine Centre and was given his first dose.
On the way home, he found he had suddenly developed severe vision problems. So he called the vaccine centre to ask whether he should see his doctor or go straight into hospital.
"Don't go to the doctor OR the hospital. Your only chance is to return here and collect the glasses you forgot!"

Vienna, Austria
Traffic lights beside the Opera.
A tourist in a hired car is so entranced by the sight he misses the green light.
A Viennese stops by, winds down the window and calls out, "Your colour didn't come up, did it?"

@tjcombo Two English gentlemen are sitting beside a river, fishing. Suddenly, one rod twitches, and the relevant gentleman pulls a beautiful mermaid from the waters. He regards her for a long time, then throws her back into the river.
Some time later, his companion asks, "Why?"
The answer? "How?"

@j-jericho More like a botfly - you know, the things they pull out of cats' noses on Youtube...

As I am enjoying a leisure moment, I have begun a list of every instrument I ever owned... not in chronological order. And I've decided that you out there, my trumpet friends, should be allowed to share this info.
Please do not see this as boasting, but as plain information.
I am including the fate of each instrument whenever it has decided to move on.

Bb trumpets:
Comet ***
UMI King Silver Flair Dizzy Bell (sold)
Jupiter STR-1010, with one straight and one Dizzy Bell, and an adapted Schilke BERYLLIUM bell (sold)
Jupiter 840 (sold)
Dowids Jazzline (sold)
Stomvi Elite Bb (sold)
Ganter G5 (exchanged for G7)
Ganter G7 custom (sold)
Olds Ambassador (given to a friend as present)
Olds Special (returned to original seller as he after the deal could not bear to part with it)
Olds Studio (for sale at Votruba's in Vienna)
Olds Recording
Courtois Balanced
Buescher Aristocrat 265
Conn International (Amati stencil)
Selmer K-Modified (stolen in burglary in Ireland)
UMI Benge #7 (for sale at Votruba's in Vienna)
Buescher #9
Buescher #11 with quick change to A (stolen in burglary in Ireland)

Pocket Bb trumpets:
Jupiter, small bell (sold)
Stomvi Forte (sold)
Arnold & Sons (Jupiter clone)

C trumpets:
Bach Strad 239, with additional slides in Bb and Ab (stolen in Munich)
Bach Strad rotary C (stolen in burglary in Ireland)
Stomvi Elite (sold)
Couesnon Bb/C (for sale at Votruba's in Vienna)
Gaudet C

D trumpets:
DEG Signature (re-sold within two weeks)
Ganter G3 (sold)
Stomvi Elite (sold)
Courtois

Eb trumpets:
Stomvi (sold)

F trumpet:
Bach Strad (sold)

G picc:
Scherzer (sold)
1966 Selmer

Bb/A picc:
1967 Selmer (sold)
1979 Selmer (sold)
Besson Kanstul 920 (sold, very much regretted)
Stomvi Elite (sold)
Votruba Professional (stolen in Vienna, found and destroyed by police on suspicion of being a bomb)
ACB Doubler

Bb cornets:
Weltklang, with custom made Ab slides (sold)
Ganter Custom (sold)
Besson Imperial (in need of restoration)
Stomvi Elite (sold)
Ganter rotary cornet (returned to H. Ganter for private collection)
Besson International (2x)
Buescher Aristocrat 264
Jupiter student cornet (sold)
Elkhart by Buescher (for sale at Votruba's in Vienna)
Blessing Artist (present to my Scottish godchild)
Unnamed 1880s HP cornet, with personal engraving

Eb cornets:
Besson Imperial (in need of restoration)
B&H Sovereign Round Stamp bell-tuned Soprano (2x, one stolen in burglary in Ireland, the other sold)
Ganter Custom

Flugelhorns:
Ganter G15 (sold)
Votruba Profi (sold)
Courtois 154R
Thomann "Black Jazz" (sold within a week)
Clemens August Glier Kuhlohorn (almost sold...)

I think that's it... enjoy.

"Student, how would you define a Minor Second?" -
"Two clarinets in unison, sir."

@dr-go That sounds rather like the explanation I gave to a group of Texan tourists when guiding them through the Golden Hall at Passau City Hall... There is a very large painting of the wedding of an Austrian Emperor to a Bavarian Princess, and I asked them whether they knew that the fact that the Emperor married in Passau was directly responsible for US Independence? No? Ok, here's the reason. If the Emperor had not married there, he would not have known about the Mariahilf Monastery there. He could not have made a pilgrimage there to pray for victory over the Turks (we're talking 17th cent. here). In consequence, he could not have defeated the Turks and would not have captured their camp. Therefore he would not have found the first bags of coffee in Europe. Without the coffee... there would not have been coffee houses in Vienna. And without them, there would not have been Edward Lloyd's Vienna Coffee House in Boston, Mass., where the conspirators for the Boston Tea Party used to meet and plot. And thus what is now the US would still be a group of English colonies... Long faces, "We didn't know thaaaat..." and the sounds of chins dropping to the polished marble floor... and a couple of English tourists were laughing their heads off...

Trombones have their uses in pretending you are something you are not...

@ssmith1226 However, by cleverly combining some, you will be able to get astounding results:

1. A piece of toast will always fall onto the buttered side

2. A cat always falls on its feet.

So you take a cat, liberally coat its back with butter and throw it down. It will try to fall on its feet, but then the buttered side would be uppermost, so the resulting reaction will cause the cat to hover a foot or so above ground and rotate faster and faster, until you can connect a crankshaft to the cat and drive a generator.

Just happened upon this Norman Rockwell painting... I am sure someone can identify the trumpet!