A little humour

[Newell Post]

@bigdub Yogi only said about 5% of the things he supposedly said. The other 95% were made up by his childhood buddy, neighbor, and teammate Joe Garagiola who attributed them to Yogi. Both of them were still alive when I lived in St. Louis and they would occasionally make local appearances together.

Yogi would start out (haltingly): "Well,..... youse knows what..... I always sez. When youse comes.... to the fork in the road..... take it!"

Then Joe would jump in and say: "Yeah, well let me tell you about the other 500 things Yogi said. Blah, blah, blah. Yak, yak, yak...." And Joe would continue for about 15 minutes with more Yogi-isms.

[BigDub]

@newell-post
Maybe so, but these are from his own book. Just saying.

[SSmith1226]

GRANDMA, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE MONEY YOU GOT FROM SELLING GRANDPA’S TRUMPET COLLECTION?

[J. Jericho]

@ssmith1226 To answer the question... two large Tupperware containers, as you can see in the background.

[Dr GO]

@j-jericho said in A little humour:

@ssmith1226 To answer the question... two large Tupperware containers, as you can see in the background.

It is amazing what you can do with plastic these days (foreground and background included)

[barliman2001]

A Scottish husband and wife had an aerobatics pilot friend who never took any passengers with him because he absolutely hated talk during flight.
One day, it was the wife's birthday, and the husband persuaded the pilot to take them on a flight as a birthday present. Grudgingly, the pilot consented, and said, "You can have the flight for free if neither of you make a sound. But if you start talking, I'll charge you 500 pounds for the flight." - "Och aye, we'll be silent."
They take off, and the pilot did his best to impress his passengers. Loopings, barrel rolls - he performed his whole programme. In total silence. After landing, the pilot casually remarked, "That was grand, wasn't it? And you kept your silence. Were you never tempted to say something?" - "Och aye, only once." - "When?" - "When Maggie fell out!"

[Dr GO]

[administrator]

@dr-go said in A little humour:

Totally!

[BigDub]

Another Ole and Lena story. ( Norwegian Humor )

Lena was in court for shoplifting.
She was accused of taking a can of peaches.
“ How many peaches were in that can you took? “ said the judge.
“Oh, I would say, two.” Said Lena.
The judge declared she would have to spend one day in jail for each peach in the can she took.
Lena stood, head down, and took her medicine.

Then……..
Ole cleared his throat, and asked if he could say something.
Yes? Said the judge.
Well, Ole said, in the interest of justice, I need to mention that my wife here also took a can of peas, too.

[Dr GO]

[Dr GO]

[barliman2001]

Just found this on the "Bored Bandsmen" FB page...

The orchestra was having a great rehearsal. The oboe player was keeping the double reed nice and moist between the lips when possible, but all of a sudden sucked a bit too hard and swallowed the reed which became stuck in the windpipe. The conductor spotted this straight away and dialled 999. Explaining that the oboe player had a double reed stuck in the windpipe the conductor asked what could be the best thing to do. The call handler without delay said "try a muted trumpet"....

[Dr GO]

[SSmith1226]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
This demonstrates that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[BigDub]

@ssmith1226
That’s some pretty crazy stuff there.
Almost as strange as the guy with the talking dog for sale…

Wanna hear about it?
I take that as a yes.

There was a guy driving through the low country of South Carolina when he spotted a sign in front of a run down shack that said, “Talking DAWG FER SAIL, 5 BUCKS”
He said to himself, I gotta see this, even if I don’t buy it, so he went to the front porch and asked about it.
The man sitting in the rocking chair said, yup, y’all can go right on back and see him. He ain’t gonna bite.
Man goes back and gets into a total conversation with this dog! No people were around or anything like that. The dog goes on and on about all his exploits and travels, since he could talk, of course.
Drug enforcement, he could listen in on conversations and report back to his handlers. All kinds of stuff like that.
So this fella is mighty impressed with what he heard, and wanted this dog for sure, especially because it was only 5 bucks!
He pays the man still lounging on his rocking chair and once he shakes hands on the deal, he says, “this dog is amazing! Why would you sell a dog that has accomplished all these things for so cheap!

Man on the rocker says, “aww, he was just a big ol’ bald faced liar is why!”

[BigDub]

Pope John XIII was asked in an interview how many people worked at the Vatican.
About half of them, he answered.

[barliman2001]

@bigdub It was John XXIII. A source of a great many anecdotes, some of which he himself set into the world. Such as, "What is the difference between Martin Luther and Pope John XXIII? - Luther said, "Here I am, I can't do anything different, so help me God." And Pope John XXIII said, "Here I am, I can do even much more, and may God help you."

When asked whether the good Lord was unaware of something, John XXIII replied: "The Lord does not know three things. 1 - how much money the Franciscans have, 2 - what a Jesuit is really thinking, 3 - how many nun's orders there are."

[barliman2001]

Vienna is well-known for being a beautiful but somewhat morbid city. There is even a book titled "Death must be from Vienna". So it is quite understandable that Vienna Civic Undertakers have a tradition of morbid slogans... only this year, they brought out a black plastic ice-scraper with the slogan "Mit uns kratzen Sie besser ab". That might be transported into English as selling a black bucket, with the slogan, "Kick it better with us"...
Vienna Central Cemetery are having an Open Day every year where you can test a coffin, and even have a simulated funeral while inside... experiencing being carried to the graveside, lowered down and then hearing the earth thundering on the coffin lid...

[J. Jericho]

[barliman2001]

@j-jericho Nothing can beat this.