A little humour
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Mark Twain was so moved by the eloquent sermon that he was ready to give the $400 he had in his pocket, as soon as the collection plate came around. But the plate was delayed as the preacher droned on interminably. After 20 minutes into the sermon he thought of giving only $40. Another 20 minutes went by. Thoughts of giving dropped to $4. Final, after the another half hour of lengthy delay, the bask was finally pasted at which time Twain took a $5 bill from the plate.
Allora Pocket Trumpet 2014
Harrelson Summit 2017
Kanstul 1526 2012
Getzen Power Bore 1961
Getzen Eterna 4-Valve Fulgelhorn 1974
Martin Committee 1946
Olds Super Recording 1940
Olds Recording (LA) 1953
Olds Recording (Fullerton) 1967
Olds Ambassador 1965 -
A woman in Birmingham calls her daughter in New York a day before Christmas Eve and says: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your father and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Mom, what are you talking about?” the daughter screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the mother says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so can you call your brother in Los Angeles and tell him.”
Frantically, the sister calls her brother who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” he shouts. “I’ll take care of this!”He calls Birmingham immediately and says to his mother: “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there.”
“I’m calling my sister back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The woman hangs up his phone and turns to her husband.
“Problem Solved! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.” -
@Dr-GO said in A little humour:
Mark Twain was so moved by the eloquent sermon that he was ready to give the $400 he had in his pocket, as soon as the collection plate came around. But the plate was delayed as the preacher droned on interminably. After 20 minutes into the sermon he thought of giving only $40. Another 20 minutes went by. Thoughts of giving dropped to $4. Final, after the another half hour of lengthy delay, the bask was finally pasted at which time Twain took a $5 bill from the plate.
When I was a kid, one of the church ushers was cleaning up after the service and found a penciled-in comment on a church bulletin that said, "Somebody should be paying us to listen to this stuff." They thought it was funny.
The usher gave it to the minister. I laid low.
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"My mother-in-law used to live just a stone's throw away." -
"Why did she move?" -
"I think I hit her too often." -
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A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks: “What will it be?”
The man replies: “A burger and a coke.”
“And you?”
“I’ll have the same,” the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay.
“That will be $4.50,” the waitress says. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount. They continue this every day for a week. On the last day the two come in once more.
“The usual?” the waitress asks.
“No, today is Friday. I’ll have steak and a coke.”“Me too,” says the ostrich. They finish and pay.
“That will be $10.95.”
The man reaches in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress is dumb-founded. “How is it that you always have the exact amount?”“Well,” says the man. “I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared. I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket.”
“Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what’s with the ostrich?”
“Well,” said the man. “I also asked for a chick with long legs.” -
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A couple were celebrating their Silver Wedding, and a friend asked them for their recipe for their married happiness.
"Oh, it's quite simple," the husband said. "Once a week, we have a romantic candlelight dinner, followed by a hot night in a luxury hotel."
"Sounds good, " the friend said. "And when do you find the time for that?" -
"Mine's every Thursday," the wife said, "and his every Sunday." -
"Please, sir," an old lady asks of the Cemetery Official, "where can I find grave 458, row 19?" - "Strewth! Sneaking away like that and not finding home again!"
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A Christmas thought:
What would a crib be without Jews, Arabs and Foreigners? -
Just an ox and an ass. -
Another old Christmas Joke, but worth repeating:
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
“How do I get him to sing?” the young man asked excitedly.
“Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet,” was the shop owner’s reply.
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
“How beautiful!” she exclaimed. “Can he talk?”“No,” the young man replied, “but he can sing. Let me show you.”
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!”
The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night.”The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked: “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?”
The man did not know. “Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…” -
Parrots... A guy walks into a pet shop and wants to buy a parrot. A talking one. The salesman fetches one, saying, "This one is a great parrot for poetry." - "Why has he got those two strings on his feet?" - "It's like this: If you pull the left string, he quotes Shakespeare. And if you pull the right string, he recites Wordsworth." - "And what if I pull both strings together?" The parrot intervenes, "Then I fall off, you idiot!"
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An elderly lady wants to buy a parrot (never-ending story...). She is shown a parrot and asks of the bird, "Now, you pretty bird, can you talk?" - "Now, you old hag, can you fly?" is the parrot's reply.
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At this point, maybe we should open a sub-thread "Parrot jokes"...
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Ok, change of topic. A guy is drinking in a bar with his friends and seems pretty miserable. "What's the matter, Jake?" one friend asks. "Normally, you're the life and soul of the party, and tonight you're like a mouse eaten by a snake..." - "It's my mother-in-law," he says. "She's changed her will and totally disinherited us, just because I looked at her." - "That's pretty nasty, for such a minor thing." - "Well, it happened as we were saying Grace at lunch, and I looked at her when we reached, 'and deliver us from Evil'..."
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked: “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you nuts!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”The man replied: “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex.”
Steve Smith
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Jazz saxophonist Zoot Simms was overheard, as he gave some money to a beggar, "Now don't do something stupid like spending this on food".
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A reporter is doing an item about the longevity of inmates in a home. The first guy he meets looks like sixty, but exclaims, proudly, "Young man, last week I had my eighty-fifth birthday!" - "And how did you do it, sir?" - "No alcohol my whole life, no tobacco, and only had one little flirtation with a girl." Impressed, the reporter accosts another inmate who looks slightly older than the first: "And you, sir?" - "Don't waste your time with that riotous youngster! I'm ninety-nine. No alcohol, only vegan food, no tobacco, and no women at all. And just look at me!" - "Congratulations, sir," says the reporter and approaches a most decrepit-looking senior in the lounge. "And you, sir, did you use the same recipe as your neighbours ?" - "Me? No fear! I drank whatever there was to drink, I smoked heavily, and no girl was safe from me. And I had lovely steaks with chips, and won every eating contest on the calendar..." - "Oh really, sir? And may I ask your age?" - "Me? I'm twenty-nine and the ward nurse!"
