A little humour

barliman2001

@barliman2001 Or this...

BigDub

Also, a woman called the radio station and complained about where the deer crossing sign was put on the shoulder of the highway.
“Why did the highway department put it there? Too many deer are getting hit by cars there. They should put it in a less busy section of the highway so the deer can safely cross the road. I can’t believe they are that ignorant”

barliman2001

@bigdub I don't remember whether I already posted this story.. so if I have, please be lenient with a forgetful old geezer of a trumpet player...

An Austrian workman is working on a construction site far away from his home, so that he has to stay there for the week. One Wednesday, they tell him "the building licence has expired, so we will have to stop until it is renewed. Go home and wait for the call." Accordingly, he goes home. To his surprise, he finds his wife butt-naked in the corridor. ""Why are you naked?" he asks. "You know that I always tell you I don't have anything to wear!" his wife replies. Being a man of few words, he strides to the bedroom wardrobe and opens it: "Nothing to wear, my a$$! A red dress, a blue dress, a white dress, hi George, and another blue dress..."

BigDub

@barliman2001
I have heard a similar Norwegian joke.
Goes like this:
Ole goes off to work one day and a shortly after arriving realizes he forgot his lunch. Gets home and calls up to his wife. “Lina, where are you?”
“ Up in the bedroom”, she says.
Ole comes in and asks, “Lena, where’s your clothes?”
“ oh, I yust have nutting to vare”
Ole goes to the closet, starts naming every thing she has,
“Look, here's your blue dress, your red dress, plaid dress, hi Sven, your white dress………”

barliman2001

@bigdub Probaöy the Austrian's Norwegian cousin!

BigDub

@barliman2001
Another time Ole was driving home with his wife, Lena. A little way into the trip a police officer stops him to tell him he thought someone may have fallen out the passenger side about a half mile back. .
“Oh, boy, dats a relief!” Says Ole. “I thought maybe I had gone deaf!”

Shifty

Nerves of Steel - Woman stops 3.5metre croc with .22 pistol.

Absolutely amazing and deeply moving story of an Aussie woman's bravery with a tiny .22 calibre pistol yet.
They are like a mosquito bite to a big croc.
A Darwin woman, Beverly Thompson, 38, has stopped a crocodile attack using a small .22 calibre Ruger pistol.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words:
"While walking along the edge of a lake near my house in the Zuccoli Village Estate near Darwin discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 3.5metre crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Ruger .22 calibre pistol with me, I wouldn't be here today!" said Beverly.
“Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was also a big bonus!”

barliman2001

In Scotland...
Jock has finally killed his nagging wife and buried her in the back garden. Secretly, he shows the grave to his best friend Wullie. "But ye left the bum stickin' oot!" - "Och aye, I needed somewhere tae park ma bike."

BigDub

I heard that one out of four people are mentally disturbed.
Seems more like three out of four………to me.

Dale Proctor

Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a poor, humble man. The service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the middle of nowhere.

As I was not familiar with that area I used the Sat Nav, but the signal dissapeared and the road I was on didn't show on the map, so I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left. They had almost finished filling in the grave, and were having a break and eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down at where the man lay.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I’ve never played before for this guy.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my cornet and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I've never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I was still lost.

Trumpetb

Bless this Vessel and all who sail in her

SSmith1226

@trumpetb said in A little humour:

Bless this Vessel and all who sail in her

I was tempted to add “Tight lines, fair winds and and a following sea”, but in this case perhaps “smooth, unobstructed sailing, fair winds, and a following sea”.

Dale Proctor

SSmith1226

Sad news:

It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.

Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects; including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Capt. Crunch.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and raised in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being flakey at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, and his three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough. He and his wife also had one in the oven. He is also survived by his father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

barliman2001

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

J. Jericho

SSmith1226

The Laws of Life

• Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

• Law of Gravity

Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

• Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

• Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

• Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

• Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

• Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

• Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!! AND Visa versa!

• Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

• Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

• The Coffee Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

• Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

• Law of Physical Surfaces

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

• Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

• Law of Physical Appearance

If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

• Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

• Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

• Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

•The Law of Television Entertainment
As soon as you find a television program that you really like, it will be cancelled.

barliman2001

@ssmith1226 However, by cleverly combining some, you will be able to get astounding results:

A piece of toast will always fall onto the buttered side
A cat always falls on its feet.

So you take a cat, liberally coat its back with butter and throw it down. It will try to fall on its feet, but then the buttered side would be uppermost, so the resulting reaction will cause the cat to hover a foot or so above ground and rotate faster and faster, until you can connect a crankshaft to the cat and drive a generator.

Newell Post

@j-jericho OK. I'll bite. What is a little humorous about this image? Maybe the new driver is straddling the line, but there is also road under repair to the right necessitating a wide turn.

J. Jericho

@newell-post Yes, there was construction, but not necessarily requiring a wide turn. Also, this driver started from the left lane without signaling for a right turn and without checking to see if there was traffic in the right lane. If the car had continued the path of the front wheels, it would have hit the marker as well. Such collision was not to be, however, as the driver turned left at the next light.