A little humour

Kehaulani

Q: How long does an Irishman need to reach a Blood Alcohol Level of .08?
A: About two days of no drinking.

Was coming back to a hotel after playing, then hanging out, at a fest in Ireland. There was only one other passenger in this seatless equipment van and he was so blitzed, he was impervious to anything going around him. Every time we hit a curve in the road, I'd hear a "blugga, blugga" behind me made by the bass player rolling from side to side.

We finally got back to the hotel and this guy fell onto the grass outside. I looked at him and he was wearing a T-shirt that read,
"An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep him from falling off the earth", LOL.

J. Jericho

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...

Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

J. Jericho

SSmith1226

This may be very timely. My wife insists that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I find shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Smith:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Censored
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
Censored

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

If anyone else is offended please pm me or email me and I will remove what offends you.
Thanks.
Steve Smith
SSmith1226@aol.com

barliman2001

@SSmith1226 Steve, you're incorrigible. What about the time when you went into a hospital and posed as a surgeon?

SSmith1226

@barliman2001 said in A little humour:

@SSmith1226 Steve, you're incorrigible. What about the time when you went into a hospital and posed as a surgeon?

Kehaulani

@SSmith1226 said in A little humour:

IMO a few of these sentences should be edited out as a matter of taste for a general and/or or youthful reader. Just sayin'.

J. Jericho

When your car needs fixing and the last place you have credit is at Lowes.

@J-Jericho
Now that's my kind of dog. Truth be known, that dog is probably one of the friendliest dogs in the neighborhood. The more I get to know people, the more I like my Dog! My dog has a better benefits program than I do. If I'm under the weather, my wife will say, "Take some Motrin and lay down and relax for a while". However, if the dog gets sick, my wife says "Get that dog to the vet, now!"

J. Jericho

SSmith1226

Tupractice- The new miracle drug for struggling musicians:

Tobylou8

@SSmith1226 said in A little humour:

Tupractice- The new miracle drug for struggling musicians:

BRILLIANT!!!!!!

J. Jericho

administrator

@J-Jericho said in A little humour:

Or trumpets will do the trick, too.

barliman2001

@Niner That's an old idea... http://wahlfahrt09.de/geschichten/csu-ohne-c/index.html First picture shows the remains of St. Prosper, a 5th-century historian and theologian (secretary of Pope Leo I) who is on show in my home town's Parish Church.

SSmith1226

The Hotel Bill

The lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $450.00 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman, "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes’ discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.
The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.
"Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have."

Kehaulani

A guy walks into an auto parts store and says to the clerk,
“I’d like a new air freshener for my Yugo.”
The guy behind the counter shakes his hand and says,
“OK, sounds like a fair trade.”