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A little humour

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  • Dr GO
    Dr GO last edited by Dec 20, 2019, 6:08 PM

    Mark Twain was so moved by the eloquent sermon that he was ready to give the $400 he had in his pocket, as soon as the collection plate came around. But the plate was delayed as the preacher droned on interminably. After 20 minutes into the sermon he thought of giving only $40. Another 20 minutes went by. Thoughts of giving dropped to $4. Final, after the another half hour of lengthy delay, the bask was finally pasted at which time Twain took a $5 bill from the plate.

    Allora Pocket Trumpet 2014
    Harrelson Summit 2017
    Kanstul 1526 2012
    Getzen Power Bore 1961
    Getzen Eterna 4-Valve Fulgelhorn 1974
    Martin Committee 1946
    Olds Super Recording 1940
    Olds Recording (LA) 1953
    Olds Recording (Fullerton) 1967
    Olds Ambassador 1965

    Kehaulani 1 Reply Last reply Dec 21, 2019, 3:28 PM Reply Quote 1
    • SSmith1226
      SSmith1226 last edited by Dec 21, 2019, 1:08 PM

      A woman in Birmingham calls her daughter in New York a day before Christmas Eve and says: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your father and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
      “Mom, what are you talking about?” the daughter screams.
      “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the mother says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so can you call your brother in Los Angeles and tell him.”
      Frantically, the sister calls her brother who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” he shouts. “I’ll take care of this!”

      He calls Birmingham immediately and says to his mother: “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there.”
      “I’m calling my sister back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
      The woman hangs up his phone and turns to her husband.
      “Problem Solved! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”

      Steve Smith

      1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 3
      • Kehaulani
        Kehaulani Credentialed Professional @Dr GO last edited by Dec 21, 2019, 3:28 PM

        @Dr-GO said in A little humour:

        Mark Twain was so moved by the eloquent sermon that he was ready to give the $400 he had in his pocket, as soon as the collection plate came around. But the plate was delayed as the preacher droned on interminably. After 20 minutes into the sermon he thought of giving only $40. Another 20 minutes went by. Thoughts of giving dropped to $4. Final, after the another half hour of lengthy delay, the bask was finally pasted at which time Twain took a $5 bill from the plate.

        When I was a kid, one of the church ushers was cleaning up after the service and found a penciled-in comment on a church bulletin that said, "Somebody should be paying us to listen to this stuff." They thought it was funny.

        The usher gave it to the minister. I laid low. 😰

        Benge 3X
        Martin Committee
        Getzen Capri Cornet
        Adams F-1 Flugelhorn

        "If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn."
        Charlie Parker

        "Even if I could play like Wynton Marsalis, I wouldn't play like Wynton Marsalis."
        Chet Baker

        1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 4
        • Newell Post
          Newell Post last edited by Dec 22, 2019, 1:46 AM

          80102197_10157943475043166_4501258208769212416_o.jpg

          Bb: Bach 180S37G (05), Mercedes (80)
          Vintage: Committee (54), Recording (59), Super (49), Getzen Severinsen (66)
          C: Kanstul 1510, Constellation
          D/Eb: Getzen Eterna
          Cornet: Schilke XA1, Yamaha Neo Eb
          Flugel: Kanstul 1525, Yamaha 625
          Conch shell in F

          1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 2
          • barliman2001
            barliman2001 Global Moderator last edited by Dec 22, 2019, 4:03 PM

            "My mother-in-law used to live just a stone's throw away." -
            "Why did she move?" -
            "I think I hit her too often."

            Courtois Balanced
            Courtois D
            Olds Recording
            Buescher Aristocrat
            Gaudet C
            Selmer G
            Courtois 154 Flugelhorn
            Besson International Bb cornet
            Courtois Bb cornet
            B&H Sovereign Soprano Cornet
            B&H Sovereign trombone
            Willy Garreis trombone
            Weltklang Euph

            1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 2
            • J. Jericho
              J. Jericho Global Moderator last edited by Dec 23, 2019, 9:26 AM

              2a6a9d15-b6a0-456a-9032-5140cab9baba-image.png

              '62 Olds Studio Trumpet
              '67 Olds Special Trumpet
              2013 Dillon Pocket Trumpet
              '83 Yamaha YFH-731 Flugelhorn
              1919 York Perfec-Tone Cornet
              '50 Olds Studio Trombone
              Shofar

              "If it was just up to me, I'd only have trumpet players on my show." - Jackie Gleason

              1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 3
              • SSmith1226
                SSmith1226 last edited by Dec 23, 2019, 2:58 PM

                A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks: “What will it be?”
                The man replies: “A burger and a coke.”
                “And you?”
                “I’ll have the same,” the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay.
                “That will be $4.50,” the waitress says. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount. They continue this every day for a week. On the last day the two come in once more.
                “The usual?” the waitress asks.
                “No, today is Friday. I’ll have steak and a coke.”

                “Me too,” says the ostrich. They finish and pay.
                “That will be $10.95.”
                The man reaches in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
                The waitress is dumb-founded. “How is it that you always have the exact amount?”

                “Well,” says the man. “I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared. I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket.”
                “Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what’s with the ostrich?”
                “Well,” said the man. “I also asked for a chick with long legs.”

                Steve Smith

                1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 1
                • Newell Post
                  Newell Post last edited by Dec 24, 2019, 7:41 AM

                  swing.jpg

                  Bb: Bach 180S37G (05), Mercedes (80)
                  Vintage: Committee (54), Recording (59), Super (49), Getzen Severinsen (66)
                  C: Kanstul 1510, Constellation
                  D/Eb: Getzen Eterna
                  Cornet: Schilke XA1, Yamaha Neo Eb
                  Flugel: Kanstul 1525, Yamaha 625
                  Conch shell in F

                  1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 3
                  • SSmith1226
                    SSmith1226 last edited by Dec 24, 2019, 4:21 PM

                    20813428-85C2-450D-92A0-2BC7F14360E5.jpeg

                    Steve Smith

                    1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 3
                    • barliman2001
                      barliman2001 Global Moderator last edited by barliman2001 Dec 25, 2019, 2:24 PM Dec 25, 2019, 2:24 PM

                      A couple were celebrating their Silver Wedding, and a friend asked them for their recipe for their married happiness.
                      "Oh, it's quite simple," the husband said. "Once a week, we have a romantic candlelight dinner, followed by a hot night in a luxury hotel."
                      "Sounds good, " the friend said. "And when do you find the time for that?" -
                      "Mine's every Thursday," the wife said, "and his every Sunday."

                      Courtois Balanced
                      Courtois D
                      Olds Recording
                      Buescher Aristocrat
                      Gaudet C
                      Selmer G
                      Courtois 154 Flugelhorn
                      Besson International Bb cornet
                      Courtois Bb cornet
                      B&H Sovereign Soprano Cornet
                      B&H Sovereign trombone
                      Willy Garreis trombone
                      Weltklang Euph

                      1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 1
                      • barliman2001
                        barliman2001 Global Moderator last edited by Dec 25, 2019, 2:27 PM

                        "Please, sir," an old lady asks of the Cemetery Official, "where can I find grave 458, row 19?" - "Strewth! Sneaking away like that and not finding home again!"

                        Courtois Balanced
                        Courtois D
                        Olds Recording
                        Buescher Aristocrat
                        Gaudet C
                        Selmer G
                        Courtois 154 Flugelhorn
                        Besson International Bb cornet
                        Courtois Bb cornet
                        B&H Sovereign Soprano Cornet
                        B&H Sovereign trombone
                        Willy Garreis trombone
                        Weltklang Euph

                        1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 1
                        • barliman2001
                          barliman2001 Global Moderator last edited by Dec 25, 2019, 2:29 PM

                          A Christmas thought:
                          What would a crib be without Jews, Arabs and Foreigners? -
                          Just an ox and an ass.

                          Courtois Balanced
                          Courtois D
                          Olds Recording
                          Buescher Aristocrat
                          Gaudet C
                          Selmer G
                          Courtois 154 Flugelhorn
                          Besson International Bb cornet
                          Courtois Bb cornet
                          B&H Sovereign Soprano Cornet
                          B&H Sovereign trombone
                          Willy Garreis trombone
                          Weltklang Euph

                          1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 1
                          • SSmith1226
                            SSmith1226 last edited by SSmith1226 Dec 25, 2019, 8:49 PM Dec 25, 2019, 8:49 PM

                            Another old Christmas Joke, but worth repeating:

                            One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
                            “How do I get him to sing?” the young man asked excitedly.
                            “Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet,” was the shop owner’s reply.
                            The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
                            “How beautiful!” she exclaimed. “Can he talk?”

                            “No,” the young man replied, “but he can sing. Let me show you.”
                            So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!”
                            The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night.”

                            The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked: “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?”
                            The man did not know. “Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs.
                            Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…”

                            Steve Smith

                            1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 2
                            • barliman2001
                              barliman2001 Global Moderator last edited by Dec 25, 2019, 10:53 PM

                              Parrots... A guy walks into a pet shop and wants to buy a parrot. A talking one. The salesman fetches one, saying, "This one is a great parrot for poetry." - "Why has he got those two strings on his feet?" - "It's like this: If you pull the left string, he quotes Shakespeare. And if you pull the right string, he recites Wordsworth." - "And what if I pull both strings together?" The parrot intervenes, "Then I fall off, you idiot!"

                              Courtois Balanced
                              Courtois D
                              Olds Recording
                              Buescher Aristocrat
                              Gaudet C
                              Selmer G
                              Courtois 154 Flugelhorn
                              Besson International Bb cornet
                              Courtois Bb cornet
                              B&H Sovereign Soprano Cornet
                              B&H Sovereign trombone
                              Willy Garreis trombone
                              Weltklang Euph

                              1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • barliman2001
                                barliman2001 Global Moderator last edited by Dec 25, 2019, 10:55 PM

                                An elderly lady wants to buy a parrot (never-ending story...). She is shown a parrot and asks of the bird, "Now, you pretty bird, can you talk?" - "Now, you old hag, can you fly?" is the parrot's reply.

                                Courtois Balanced
                                Courtois D
                                Olds Recording
                                Buescher Aristocrat
                                Gaudet C
                                Selmer G
                                Courtois 154 Flugelhorn
                                Besson International Bb cornet
                                Courtois Bb cornet
                                B&H Sovereign Soprano Cornet
                                B&H Sovereign trombone
                                Willy Garreis trombone
                                Weltklang Euph

                                1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                • barliman2001
                                  barliman2001 Global Moderator last edited by Dec 25, 2019, 10:56 PM

                                  At this point, maybe we should open a sub-thread "Parrot jokes"...

                                  Courtois Balanced
                                  Courtois D
                                  Olds Recording
                                  Buescher Aristocrat
                                  Gaudet C
                                  Selmer G
                                  Courtois 154 Flugelhorn
                                  Besson International Bb cornet
                                  Courtois Bb cornet
                                  B&H Sovereign Soprano Cornet
                                  B&H Sovereign trombone
                                  Willy Garreis trombone
                                  Weltklang Euph

                                  1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                  • barliman2001
                                    barliman2001 Global Moderator last edited by Dec 25, 2019, 11:00 PM

                                    Ok, change of topic. A guy is drinking in a bar with his friends and seems pretty miserable. "What's the matter, Jake?" one friend asks. "Normally, you're the life and soul of the party, and tonight you're like a mouse eaten by a snake..." - "It's my mother-in-law," he says. "She's changed her will and totally disinherited us, just because I looked at her." - "That's pretty nasty, for such a minor thing." - "Well, it happened as we were saying Grace at lunch, and I looked at her when we reached, 'and deliver us from Evil'..."

                                    Courtois Balanced
                                    Courtois D
                                    Olds Recording
                                    Buescher Aristocrat
                                    Gaudet C
                                    Selmer G
                                    Courtois 154 Flugelhorn
                                    Besson International Bb cornet
                                    Courtois Bb cornet
                                    B&H Sovereign Soprano Cornet
                                    B&H Sovereign trombone
                                    Willy Garreis trombone
                                    Weltklang Euph

                                    1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 1
                                    • SSmith1226
                                      SSmith1226 last edited by Dec 27, 2019, 6:23 PM

                                      A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
                                      The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked: “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
                                      “No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

                                      “Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.
                                      “No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
                                      “Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
                                      “Are you nuts!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

                                      “Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.
                                      “What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
                                      “Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
                                      The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

                                      The man replied: “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex.”

                                      Steve Smith

                                      barliman2001 1 Reply Last reply Dec 27, 2019, 9:52 PM Reply Quote 5
                                      • Kehaulani
                                        Kehaulani Credentialed Professional last edited by Dec 27, 2019, 7:21 PM

                                        Jazz saxophonist Zoot Simms was overheard, as he gave some money to a beggar, "Now don't do something stupid like spending this on food".

                                        Benge 3X
                                        Martin Committee
                                        Getzen Capri Cornet
                                        Adams F-1 Flugelhorn

                                        "If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn."
                                        Charlie Parker

                                        "Even if I could play like Wynton Marsalis, I wouldn't play like Wynton Marsalis."
                                        Chet Baker

                                        1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • barliman2001
                                          barliman2001 Global Moderator @SSmith1226 last edited by Dec 27, 2019, 9:52 PM

                                          @SSmith1226

                                          A reporter is doing an item about the longevity of inmates in a home. The first guy he meets looks like sixty, but exclaims, proudly, "Young man, last week I had my eighty-fifth birthday!" - "And how did you do it, sir?" - "No alcohol my whole life, no tobacco, and only had one little flirtation with a girl." Impressed, the reporter accosts another inmate who looks slightly older than the first: "And you, sir?" - "Don't waste your time with that riotous youngster! I'm ninety-nine. No alcohol, only vegan food, no tobacco, and no women at all. And just look at me!" - "Congratulations, sir," says the reporter and approaches a most decrepit-looking senior in the lounge. "And you, sir, did you use the same recipe as your neighbours ?" - "Me? No fear! I drank whatever there was to drink, I smoked heavily, and no girl was safe from me. And I had lovely steaks with chips, and won every eating contest on the calendar..." - "Oh really, sir? And may I ask your age?" - "Me? I'm twenty-nine and the ward nurse!"

                                          Courtois Balanced
                                          Courtois D
                                          Olds Recording
                                          Buescher Aristocrat
                                          Gaudet C
                                          Selmer G
                                          Courtois 154 Flugelhorn
                                          Besson International Bb cornet
                                          Courtois Bb cornet
                                          B&H Sovereign Soprano Cornet
                                          B&H Sovereign trombone
                                          Willy Garreis trombone
                                          Weltklang Euph

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