A little humour

SSmith1226

Tony had just finished reading a new book titled, “You Can Be The Man of Your House”.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced: “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a delicious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and make love the way that I want. Then, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, just take a wild guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
Without skipping a beat his wife answered: “The funeral director would be my first guess.”

barliman2001

A famous surgeon dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter redirects him, saying, "Suppliers at the rear!"

Kehaulani

Another surgeon dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter asks,
"How have you been doing?" He answers, "Well, I make $3,000.00 dollars a month, live in a three story house, and drive a Mercedes."
"Oh, a surgeon, pass through."

Another person arrives, and "Saint Peter asks,
"How have you been doing?" He answers, "Well, I make $2,000.00 dollars a month, live in a two story house, and drive a BMW."
"Oh, an Administrator, pass through."

Yet another person arrives, and "Saint Peter also asks,
"How have you been doing?" He answers, "Well, I make $300.00 dollars a month, share an apartment with three other guys, and drive an old Pinto."
"Cool, a musician, welcome."

Tobylou8

@Dr-GO said in A little humour:

@Tobylou8 said in A little humour:

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose!

THAT is what I call milking a pun!

That's udderly funny!!

barliman2001

What is a wife to do if the husband is running round the garden in zig-zags? -
Continue shooting.

barliman2001

An elderly couple arrive together at the Pearly Gates. The husband confronts St. Peter, saying, "Hey man, they said, "until death do us part!""

barliman2001

A guy to his friends: "My mother-in-law has now reached her ideal weight." -
"Really? And what is it?" -
"Seven pounds including the urn."

barliman2001

An orchestra are touring Israel. One day, they are free and decide to go bathing on the Sea of Galilee. One downtrodden viola player wrestles with his Lord, saying: "Oh Lord, you know how poorly regarded I am. In your infinite power, let me do something remarkable and here, where you walked on water, let me do the same."
The Lord, in his infinite mercy, accedes to that request, and the viola player is walking on the water. As he nears the shore, he suddenly hears the leader of the orchestra, shouting, "Just look at him! He can't even swim!"

Tobylou8

To all of the above:

barliman2001

A father has intercepted Santa on the roof... "You won't take a tenner to forget my son wanted a saxophone? Twenty? Thirty? A hundred?"

Dr GO

@barliman2001 said in A little humour:

A guy to his friends: "My mother-in-law has now reached her ideal weight." -
"Really? And what is it?" -
"Seven pounds including the urn."

Question to an art loving economist: What's a Grecian urn?
Answer: About $1.20 an hour

J. Jericho

My brother went bald years ago but he still carries around a comb with him just like when he was young. He just can't part with it.

Dr GO

@Niner said in A little humour:

My brother went bald years ago but he still carries around a comb with him just like when he was young. He just can't part with it.

Woman gets in taxi and tells the driver: "Take me to the hairstylist at he corner of 12th and Main".

When they arrive the woman pays and thanks him and says this place does a really good job and he should check it out.

The cab driver pulls of his hat an points to his head at which point the lady says: "There is no shame in being bald". To which the cab driver replies, "Depends on how you spell it mam."

Kehaulani

I got into a taxi and told the driver, "Take me somewhere where I can get lucky".
He took me to my house.

SSmith1226

Holliday Shopping:

“Well I’m in the Trumpet Shop right next to it.”

J. Jericho

Tobylou8

What did master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4K???

HDMI!

SSmith1226

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

Newell Post