A little humour
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@Niner
Steve Smith
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There’s something very peculiar about the eye doctor's methods of figuring out what prescription to give me.
I have to decide everything. "Which is more clear, number one, or two?
Two.
"How about, three, or four?".
Uh, seems like three?
"How about one, verses three?"
Hmmm, now could I see three verses two?
"No, it doesn’t work that way".
Ok, then let me see two again.
"There you go."
So after about 50 scenarios, we have determined just what is best for my eyes.
I never felt less sure of a decision. Yet here I sit with the glasses they came up with for me, based on my opinions only....... -
LOL, been goin through that ,multiple times, lately.
I have had operations on both eyes and my overall vision (which sucks anyway) is clearer, but I can't read anything. If I use my old glasses, everything is foggy but I can read, if I use the distance lenses (go figure). And through it all, I keep having those eye, lens-prescription tests, and, yes, I am uncertain each time.
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There is a bike trail near me, and along that bike trail, there is a sign. Somebody stuck a sticker to that sign that reads, "Being a good parent is 2% trying and 98% putting down your phone."
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Bb: Bach 180S37G (05), Mercedes (80)
Vintage: Committee (54), Recording (59), Super (49), Getzen Severinsen (66)
C: Kanstul 1510, Constellation
D/Eb: Getzen Eterna
Cornet: Schilke XA1, Yamaha Neo Eb
Flugel: Kanstul 1525, Yamaha 625
Conch shell in F -
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'62 Olds Studio Trumpet
'67 Olds Special Trumpet
2013 Dillon Pocket Trumpet
'83 Yamaha YFH-731 Flugelhorn
1919 York Perfec-Tone Cornet
'50 Olds Studio Trombone
Shofar"If it was just up to me, I'd only have trumpet players on my show." - Jackie Gleason
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This one is a bit lengthy, but good...
A professional tuba player goes to his doctor, complaining about constant headaches. After a series of tests, the doc puts on his "Its serious" face and explains: "See here, you are a tuba player. Most of your professional life you have been sitting down, in a cramped position, with your instrument between your legs. Thus, your, em, balls have been squeezed, and this has caused your headaches. Try sitting differently, and come back in a week."
The tuba player tries to sit differently in orchestra and gets horrible back pains added to the headaches. So he goes back to the doc and tells him about it. The doc puts on his "it's even more serious than I thought" face and says, "Ok, so your headaches have become chronic. There is no other way out of it - we will have to remove your balls entirely."
"No other way, doc?" -
"No other way, or you'll eventually go mad from your headaches." -
"Well, then..."
After the operation, the tuba player really has no headaches any more. It feels like a new life. And so he celebrates this new life by transforming himself. No mor grubby sweaters and jeans for him - he has to have a smart suit and all the trimmings. So he goes into the best men's fashion outlet in town and asks for a suit. The salesman tells him, "I've got just the thing for you," and returns with a light blue suit which fits perfectly. "How did you know light blue is my favourite colour?" - "Oh, I can estimate people's tastes pretty accurately, not only sizes... it fits, doesn't it?" - "Fits perfectly. I think I'l have a shirt to go with the suit as well." - "Certainly, sir. This one?" - "Wonderful, that dark blue shirt... and again, fits perfectly. Now for some new underwear as well." - "Of course. Here's the fitting vest for you. For the underpants I'll have to go back - I've only got size 5 here, and you need size 7." - "But I've always worn size 5..." - "Too small for you. You're a size 7. Otherwise, your balls will get squeezed, and you'll have constant headaches." -
Speaking of salesmen...
A guy enters the local fashion outlet and asks the manager for a job. The manager does not really need another assistant, but does not want to refuse outright, so he says to the guy, "OK, there is this monstrosity of a suit in store - has been here a long time. Loud yellow checks, bell flare trousers, a frilled shirt... all the 1970s glories. Sell that by midday, and you're hired."
An hour later, the guy comes to the office with the copy of the cash receipt for that suit. "Oh, really?" says the manager. "What did the guy say about that suit?" - "Nothing, really. Only his guide dog barked a bit." -
And that's how the fight started ........
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift . .
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion:
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"Good grief!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"
And then the fight started...When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's when the fight started. -
Double reed trivia:
Q. What is a flaming oboe good for?
A. Lighting a bassoon on fire
Q. Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A. It burns longer
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