Absence explained (mother passed away...)



  • I know I haven't been a frequent contributor to TrumpetBoards as much as in the beginning. However, as George asked in the another thread:

    @GeorgeB said in Finally, I am playing a Conn Trumpet again:

    Thanks, Butch. Hope all is well,
    Cheers,
    George

    Well, back on May 15th, things WERE NOT well... I got "that phone call" that you never really want to get, no matter what age you are.

    My mother passed away in the nursing home back on May 15th, at the wonderful age of 95. God Bless her, she lived an amazing long life. After my dad passed away back in 2002 (at age 80 from congestive heart failure), my oldest sister who is a retired RN from a major hospital in upstate NY was the logical choice to care for my mom. As the years passed, my mom slowly developed dementia and required 24/7/365 care. We (my sisters and I) made a unanimous decision to put mom in a nursing home for her remaining time. It was so heartbreaking to call her, as she wouldn't know who you were. Other times, she'd remember your voice, know who you were, and actually have a conversation with you. But then, suddenly with no warning, she would think I was my Uncle Doug (her younger brother), and she would start complaining about the cost of gas going up to .32 cents a gallon and that she needs my father to check a tire on her 1962 Ford Falcon... All you can do is just sit there, listen, and agree with her and think back to around 1964 or 1965.

    Another seriously annoying issue is with my sisters (all older sisters - I'm the baby of the family and the only boy). They are constantly arguing and bickering about mom and her belongings. One sister (every family has one! 😠 ) is rumored to want to get lawyers involved to contest the will and do some type of shenanigans.... 😠

    Sorry to post something like this, but, who knew that with regards to the death of a parent, the children start arguing over things. It's just not right!

    Eventually we'll have the burial up at the family cemetery plot on Staten Island, NY City, where my family's roots are, since 1855.



  • Hope you're doing well, Butch. Challenging times. I'm sure everyone is with you.



  • @ButchA said in Absence explained (mother passed away...):

    I know I haven't been a frequent contributor to TrumpetBoards as much as in the beginning. However, as George asked in the another thread:

    @GeorgeB said in Finally, I am playing a Conn Trumpet again:

    Thanks, Butch. Hope all is well,
    Cheers,
    George

    Well, back on May 15th, things WERE NOT well... I got "that phone call" that you never really want to get, no matter what age you are.

    My mother passed away in the nursing home back on May 15th, at the wonderful age of 95. God Bless her, she lived an amazing long life. After my dad passed away back in 2002 (at age 80 from congestive heart failure), my oldest sister who is a retired RN from a major hospital in upstate NY was the logical choice to care for my mom. As the years passed, my mom slowly developed dementia and required 24/7/365 care. We (my sisters and I) made a unanimous decision to put mom in a nursing home for her remaining time. It was so heartbreaking to call her, as she wouldn't know who you were. Other times, she'd remember your voice, know who you were, and actually have a conversation with you. But then, suddenly with no warning, she would think I was my Uncle Doug (her younger brother), and she would start complaining about the cost of gas going up to .32 cents a gallon and that she needs my father to check a tire on her 1962 Ford Falcon... All you can do is just sit there, listen, and agree with her and think back to around 1964 or 1965.

    Another seriously annoying issue is with my sisters (all older sisters - I'm the baby of the family and the only boy). They are constantly arguing and bickering about mom and her belongings. One sister (every family has one! 😠 ) is rumored to want to get lawyers involved to contest the will and do some type of shenanigans.... 😠

    Sorry to post something like this, but, who knew that with regards to the death of a parent, the children start arguing over things. It's just not right!

    Eventually we'll have the burial up at the family cemetery plot on Staten Island, NY City, where my family's roots are, since 1855.

    Sorry to hear about that, Butch. Hope things can calm down and folks can be sensible about everything.



  • @ButchA Please accept my sincere sympathy on the passing of your mother.

    You'd be surprised and disheartened to know how often people reveal their unimaginable ugliness after a death in the family. It's closer to the norm than you'd want to believe. When my mother died, a couple of her beneficiaries tried to prevent me from receiving my portion of her will. I got the court involved, and the judge quickly put an end to their disputes.

    On the other hand, when my mother-in-law died, my wife's male sibling (He in no way qualifies for the term "brother"... nor "son" nor "husband" nor "father", for that matter.) found a lawyer who specialized in contesting wills, the result of which was that, even though my wife and I were in the right, the entire experience cost us an astronomical amount of money, which would have been substantially more had we gone to court and not settled instead.

    Most of the money went to our attorney. The rest went to the male sibling, who had to use almost all of it to pay his lawyer, who dropped dead himself eight months later.

    And don't get me started on predatory funeral expenses....



  • Butch,
    I’m sorry for your loss. I’m also sorry for the added aggravation you are experiencing caused by the bickering that the death of a beloved by all, parent, can bring out among siblings. I have seen this over and over again in situations many of my friends and other family members have experienced. I have to say that I was fortunate that I didn’t experience this situation with the loss of my parents. I don’t know the entirety of your situation, but in general, the feeling of entitlement and greed brings out the worst in some people in these circumstances . These circumstances should unite families in this time of need rather then tear them apart. I have seen brothers and sisters that will no longer communicate or acknowledge one another after the death of their parents. I have seen other situations where time has healed the initial rifts associated with the death of parents. I hope that your situation falls into the latter pattern. If nothing else, this bickering among family members can be used as an example you can present to your own children as to what trap not to fall into when they are inevitably presented with a similar circumstance. I have had this discussion with my children and hopefully when the time comes, they will support one another rather than bicker with one another.


  • Global Moderator

    Condolences for your loss. At least you are back. I don't make money on this site (right now I actually am losing a small amount) but I try to keep it running for the community. We'll keep on growing with your help.



  • I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your mom, which is enough for you to have to deal with without having to also deal with family members. My heart goes out to you, Butch.



  • Sorry for your loss, Butch! I've been an orphan since 2013, so I kinda know how you feel. My mother stipulated that no in-laws be involved when sharing her stuff. Went smoothly, and all were agreeable.

    (edited for correct century)





  • @Vulgano-Brother said in Absence explained (mother passed away...):

    My mother stipulated that no in-laws be involved when sharing her stuff...

    Yeah but you mother never stipulated out-laws. And I still have all your stuff, agreeable or not.

    And Butch, I too wish you healing thoughts as you work though this loss.



  • Thoughts and prayers Butch.



  • @J-Jericho said in Absence explained (mother passed away...):

    @Vulgano-Brother 1913?

    hey, show a little respect here........
    Volgano-Brother has to be at least a hundred and six.
    Respect your elders.



  • So very sorry😟 😟



  • sincerest condolences.



  • Sorry for your loss..........



  • Thank you everyone for the kind comments...

    Things are still okay (for now) and the cemetery is backlogged with engraving headstones. My mom will be with my dad in the family plot and her name has to be engraved underneath his name and years (1922 - 2002) and hers will have her name and read 1924 - 2019. I most likely won't have to take time off from my school bus, as they won't get things done for another 2-3 weeks, so we'll have the funeral service and burial all in one day up in New York soon enough. School lets out on June 14th (2 more weeks left driving a hot school bus!), so it will be okay. I just hope to God my one sister stops the nonsense, bickering, etc... and acts like a decent human being.


  • Global Moderator

    I love to walk through graveyards. Is that weird? πŸ˜‰

    Well, anyway, to me, they are very sacred places. It reminds me that every single headstone was once a living, breathing person, with feelings and desires just like us. Even the little babies who died had a mother who loved and probably grieved deeply over her loss. Studying world history is fun, but studying individual history is profound and moving. It also reaffirms my deep belief in the eventual resurrection of all mankind. I hope you can find some peace, @ButchA .



  • @ButchA So sorry for your loss.



  • Sorry to hear that, Butch. I lost my Mom in 2001 and my Dad in 2011, so I can empathize. Luckily, my two brothers, my sister, and I all get along fine and there were no problems settling the estate. Hope your sister does the right thing.


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