Best posts made by barliman2001

Lady at the beauty clinic: "Doctor, I hope you can help me..." - Sorry, ma'am, I don't do decapitations."

Wife to husband, "Cuddles, what do you like most about me: My face, or my body?" - "Your sense of humour."

@dale-proctor All the best for the new house, Dale!

@administrator At least 00:00 exists. The city of Augsburg made themselves a laughing-stock when they celebrated their 2000 year anniversary one year early... they had calculated in a "Year 0" which did never exist...

@curlydoc Might be a Buescher #12, with a quick-change to A.

"My mother-in-law used to live just a stone's throw away." -
"What made her move?" -
"I think I hit her too often..."

@dale-proctor Close enough, I think!

Me playing the Munich's Resident Alien Big Band

That was one memorable occasion... I had checked into a rehab clinic on a Monday, found the local band on Wednesday, rehearsed with them once, and afterwards was asked whether I would like to join them for their next gig. "When?" - "Tomorrow." Ended up skipping therapy, playing a Fathers' Day gig that started at 10 am and lasted until 11 pm...

Bavarian conductor and composer Max Reger was a very outspoken man... his dry comments were feared by everyone in his time and provide material for anecdotes ever since.
Once, he had been conducting C.M. von Weber's Concert for Oboe, Bassoon and Orchestra before a very illustrious audience. After the concert, he was approached by a Princess of Meiningen who asked him "Maestro, are these bassoon sounds all produced by mouth?" - "I'll hope so." was his reply.

Another time, a concert of his had been severely handled by a newspaper critic. He sent the guy a postcard with this message: "Dear Sir, I am sitting in the smallest room of my apartment and have your critique before me. In a few moments, it'll be behind me. Sincerely, Max Reger."
Since then, many European musicians don't go to the bathroom, but are using the Max Reger Salon instead.

@trumpetb Preparation is everything - not only for yourself, but for the whole orchestra. Which is why I'm always bringing at least one spare music stand and light, a couple of handfuls of pegs and a small sandbag or two (for weighing down unsafe music stands; my own are safe even in a small hurricane), and my gig bag always contains one 15-tool Swiss army knife, a small multitool, a mouthpiece puller and four or five pencils and rubbers... the knife, amongst other bits, sports a metal saw which we once needed to cut off a padlock that had been put on a Bb bass by a mischievous bystander and which was clattering horribly...

@bobmiller1969 Still, the pure black and white design appealed to me more than the coloured-in version. But at least it is something you and others can connect to. If you're happy, then I'm happy for you.
The only tattoo I might allow myself would be a saxophone... somewhere round the back...

@bigdub It was John XXIII. A source of a great many anecdotes, some of which he himself set into the world. Such as, "What is the difference between Martin Luther and Pope John XXIII? - Luther said, "Here I am, I can't do anything different, so help me God." And Pope John XXIII said, "Here I am, I can do even much more, and may God help you."

When asked whether the good Lord was unaware of something, John XXIII replied: "The Lord does not know three things. 1 - how much money the Franciscans have, 2 - what a Jesuit is really thinking, 3 - how many nun's orders there are."

@barliman2001 Or this...

@bigdub I don't remember whether I already posted this story.. so if I have, please be lenient with a forgetful old geezer of a trumpet player...

An Austrian workman is working on a construction site far away from his home, so that he has to stay there for the week. One Wednesday, they tell him "the building licence has expired, so we will have to stop until it is renewed. Go home and wait for the call." Accordingly, he goes home. To his surprise, he finds his wife butt-naked in the corridor. ""Why are you naked?" he asks. "You know that I always tell you I don't have anything to wear!" his wife replies. Being a man of few words, he strides to the bedroom wardrobe and opens it: "Nothing to wear, my a$$! A red dress, a blue dress, a white dress, hi George, and another blue dress..."

@bigdub Probaöy the Austrian's Norwegian cousin!

In Scotland...
Jock has finally killed his nagging wife and buried her in the back garden. Secretly, he shows the grave to his best friend Wullie. "But ye left the bum stickin' oot!" - "Och aye, I needed somewhere tae park ma bike."

@bobmiller1969
Ok. There's one more, especially for your Mum:
The little boy just does not want to go to sleep. The parents have already tried everything. Finally, the father says, "Ok, I'll get my viola and play something." - "Oh no," says Mum. "Don't resort to violence!"

Why do viola players sleep rough so often?
They lose the key and don't know where to come in.

@administrator Go for it. Czech citizienship does not - like US citizenship - require you to undergo dual taxation. There are only advantages... just imagine your plane is hijacked by Al Qaida terrorists and they select the US citizens... you can then calmly show your Czech passport...
Joking apart: I really would recommend trying. Languages can be learnt somehow, and citizenship does not require you to live there. And I suppose you are over age and therefore not liable to be drafted for Czech National Service.