Breaking news from City Hall in downtown Egan, Texas...
The people of Egan have spoken and it is with great humility and astrophysics that I accept the unanimous consent of the 28ish people of Egan who have sent a resounding message to Washington.
I want to thank all 28 of you who have placed your faith in me again. I categorically refute the notion that itâs not a âreal mayoral officeâbecause itâs not a âreal townâ. Why else would the highway department make and mount signs in six different places pointing you in the right direction to Egan? Two have how far from Egan you are...one says 2 miles the other says 3. No really, why do they do that?
Even though no one has ever actually pulled into the Egan Mobil gas station and said, âHey buddy, which way to Egan?â Cuz the answer would be, âYouâre here.â The signs are there just in case you need it and itâs comforting, just like the bald eagle, Elvis Presley and cream of wheat.
We have decided to curtail (means we wonât do it) the celebration victory party because thereâs a burn ban and last time we burned down a really nice barn and two sheds. And it took four weeks to get all the confetti out of that hay bailer.
So as the world wakes up to not knowân who the next President is, here in Egan we know that we know that we know who the Mayor is.
I never got the obligatory concession call from my opponent (heâs from Maryâs Town anyway...outsider!) just a simple text, âHey, itâs late Iâm gunna watch Gun Smoke, itâs 28-0 you can have it.â Thanks Earl.
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God Bless Egan, Texas and God Bless America.
Update: there was zero Russian collusion in the Egan mayoral race election, we have no idea what collusion is but Russia is like way on the other side of the globe on my desk so, no I donât think they colluded.
Update #2: We thought we found a few uncounted votes behind the bus barn, it was just used scratch off lottery tickets. Wow, thatâll make your heart skip a beat. No, we had the election in the bag...I thought there was one unscratched.