Posts made by barliman2001

"You've got a nice broad chest, you'll go into our football team." -
"But I can't play!" -
"Who said anything about playing? It's the advertising space that counts!"

A guy fell into a shark tank and survived.
Why?
He wore a shirt, "Red Sox for Superbowl".
Not even the sharks would swallow that!

"Garbage Air Flight 321 to Rome Tower, declaring emergency. We've lost #1 engine." - "Rome Tower to Garbage 321, do you have an engine left?" - "Affirmative" - "Then there is no problem."
...
"Garbage 321 to Rome Tower, declaring EMERGENCY!! We've lost engine #2 as well" -
"Rome Tower to Garbage 321, do you have an engine left?" - "Negative" -
"In that case, repeat after me, Our Father, Who art in Heaven..."

A husband and wife are looking at Niagara Falls. After a while, she says: "Would you jump in to save me if I fell in?" - "If I say yes, would you jump?"

@SSmith1226 said in A little humour:

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man: “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“Sir,” the usher said. “If you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. A few moments later, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked: “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“ Sam,” the man moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?” the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied: “The balcony.”

The Bavarian poet Ludwig Thoma did not like the Opera very much, but he was always invited to premiere performances and simply HAD to go. Usually, he went to sleep during the overture, and woke up in time for the final applause. One day, he overslept the applause and was finally wakened by an usher saying, "Excuse me, sir, but you are only allowed to sleep in the Opera house as long as the performance lasts..."

A clarinet is only acceptable when the letters "in" are taken out...

A woman surprises her friend as she is emptying out the ashes of her late husband down the toilet... "I suppose you're entitled to an explanation," says the widow. "He always wanted to be buried at sea - so now he can start making his way there!"

A family has been out in the woods gathering mushrooms; their cook lovingly prepares a wonderful mushroom soup. They all share in the soup, and even the doggie gets his share. Suddenly, during the roast, the cook rushes in, "The dog's dead!"
The family race to the nearest hospital to get their stomachs pumped. Several hours later, they return home, pale and chastised... the youngest can gather enough strength to ask the cook, "Did the poor dog suffer badly?" - "Oh no, my child," says the cook. "He was run over by a truck and died instantly."

Mushroom omelette can be a once-in-a-lifetime experience...

"How many pets do you have, Gillian?" -
"Oh, quite a few... a Jaguar in the garage, a mink in the closet, a stallion in bed and an ass who's paying for everything..."

Mother to daughter:
"Make sure that you marry a soldier." -
"Why, Mum?" -
"He can cook, clean and make beds, he'll be away for long periods and most important, he has learnt to follow orders."

Doctor to wife: "I'm sorry, but your husband is dead."
Husband (from the bed): "Hey, that's not true!"
Wife: "You shut your mouth. The doctor knows what he is doing."

On the brink, I know...

Why do so many elderly men have huge bellies?
So that the poor out-of-work dwarf down there at least has a roof over his head...

@J-Jericho said in A little humour:

Whatever happened to Peter Cetera's brother Et?

He married and took the surname of his wife, Aliis.

The Scottish recipe for tomato soup?

Hot water in a red bowl.

@J-Jericho said in A little humour:

... Then there's the old one about the man who orders a bowl of soup in a restaurant:

Diner - "Waiter, would you please come over here?"

Waiter - "Yes, sir? How may I help you?"

Diner - "Taste the soup."

Waiter - "Is there something wrong with the soup?"

Diner - "Taste the soup."

Waiter - "Is the soup not hot enough?"

Diner - "Taste the soup."

Waiter - "Is the flavor not to your liking?"

Diner - "Taste the soup."

Waiter - "All right, if you insist, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?"

Diner - "My point exactly!"

In a very posh restaurant:

Diner: "Waiter, my plate is wet!"

Waiter: "Excuse me, sir, that is the soup."

@OldSchoolEuph
Let's see how long that will last. i've seen so many new brands come up and disappear...

@Kehaulani

We were incredibly lucky... "Jungle Village" near Vienna used to be "recreational area" where land owners were only allowed to put up bathing huts on their properties - nothing to live in permanently, just shelters for holidays. When my wife got hold of the property by guaranteed long lease, that ban was still in place, so we paid around €15k as main payment and have a guaranteed lease to pay of €800 per year. We intended to use the property more or less for one or two storage huts. But out of the blue, the local authorities decided that they needed space for permanent housing, and where better than in an area where all the infrastucture was already in place? So they lifted the ban, and within weeks of getting hold of that 99-year lease, we were allowed to build a permanent home there...

@Kehaulani said in Martin Committee Club:

@barliman2001 said in Martin Committee Club:

. . . we inherited lots of fruit trees - cherries, apples, pears, plums (two kinds) and quince, and a vine.

Sounds like a receipe for Obstler. Yum.

Well, it regularly lands us with tons of home-made jam.