A little humour

SSmith1226 · Feb 15, 2022, 1:19 AM

In this day and age of wokeness, it is about time trumpet players get the utmost respect, which obviously they deserve. Without the trumpet section most bands sound like crap, unless it is a ukulele band, They sound like crap, with or without a trumpet section.
The following are the do’s and don’s of addressing a trumpet player with respect. You can pass this chart out to your bandmates so they address us in the proper manner.

barliman2001 · Feb 15, 2022, 9:01 AM

Two elderly ladies are sitting on a bench in a cemetery. Suddenly, one pulls out some cosmetics and begins making up her face. With a sneer, the other lady asks, "How old are you?" - "79" - "And you still bother about make-up?" Silence. Then the reply: "And how old are you?" - "84" - "And you still bother about going home??"

barliman2001 · Feb 15, 2022, 9:03 AM

And one more in the same vein... An old lady in a cemetery asks an attendant, "Excuse me, where's Grave 15, Row A?" - "That's funny... first sneak away, and then can't find your way back!"

barliman2001 · Feb 15, 2022, 9:04 AM

And a third one... A doctor meets his rival in a cemetery, "Oh, you're stocktaking..."

barliman2001 · Feb 15, 2022, 9:05 AM

Lady at the beauty clinic: "Doctor, I hope you can help me..." - Sorry, ma'am, I don't do decapitations."

barliman2001 · Feb 15, 2022, 9:06 AM

Wife to husband, "Cuddles, what do you like most about me: My face, or my body?" - "Your sense of humour."

Dr GO · Feb 19, 2022, 3:18 AM

This answer was submitted to a bonus question at U of Arizona by a student on a mid-term Chemistry exam to the question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

The student wrote: First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell, and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. We can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionally, as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulates given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"

THE STUDENT WAS AWARDED AN A+ FOR THIS BONUS QUESTION.

barliman2001 · Feb 19, 2022, 9:18 AM

@dr-go That sounds rather like the explanation I gave to a group of Texan tourists when guiding them through the Golden Hall at Passau City Hall... There is a very large painting of the wedding of an Austrian Emperor to a Bavarian Princess, and I asked them whether they knew that the fact that the Emperor married in Passau was directly responsible for US Independence? No? Ok, here's the reason. If the Emperor had not married there, he would not have known about the Mariahilf Monastery there. He could not have made a pilgrimage there to pray for victory over the Turks (we're talking 17th cent. here). In consequence, he could not have defeated the Turks and would not have captured their camp. Therefore he would not have found the first bags of coffee in Europe. Without the coffee... there would not have been coffee houses in Vienna. And without them, there would not have been Edward Lloyd's Vienna Coffee House in Boston, Mass., where the conspirators for the Boston Tea Party used to meet and plot. And thus what is now the US would still be a group of English colonies... Long faces, "We didn't know thaaaat..." and the sounds of chins dropping to the polished marble floor... and a couple of English tourists were laughing their heads off...

BigDub · Apr 7, 2022, 4:19 PM

What's his name? Said to the the dog owner.
HER/SHE
Oh, sorry to misgender your dog.
What's HER name?

No, his name is Hershey.

BigDub · May 5, 2022, 7:19 PM

I can relate to both…..

BigDub · May 5, 2022, 3:46 PM

@bigdub

Remember: every dead body left on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so, maybe, calm down.

administrator · May 5, 2022, 7:19 PM

@bigdub said in A little humour:

I can relate to both…..

Haha...cats. This is so true.

J. Jericho · May 16, 2022, 4:39 AM

J. Jericho · May 27, 2022, 4:07 AM

Thoughts for the day: Thanks to DST, noon occurs at 13:00/1:00 PM; midnight occurs at 01:00/1:00 AM. The Powers That Be hated DST (as do I and always have), so they made it permanent.

Some people refer to midnight and noon as 12:00 AM and 12:00 PM, respectively. 12:00 AM is by definition 12 hours before noon, and 12:00 PM is 12 hours after noon, thus making them both the same: midnight*.

*See paragraph 1.

Newell Post · May 27, 2022, 3:03 AM

@j-jericho When I worked for one of the railroads, nothing ever happened at either noon or midnight. Everything happened at either 11:59 or 12:01 just to avoid confusion of the whole 12:00 am/pm thing.

administrator · May 27, 2022, 3:04 AM

@newell-post said in A little humour:

@j-jericho When I worked for one of the railroads, nothing ever happened at either noon or midnight. Everything happened at either 11:59 or 12:01 just to avoid confusion of the whole 12:00 am/pm thing.

I'm surprised they didn't just do 24-hour time and do away with the confusion of a 12-hour clock all together.

Newell Post · May 27, 2022, 3:05 AM

@j-jericho Before daylight savings time, people just adopted a "summer schedule" or "double summer schedule." In the former, they scheduled everything an hour earlier. In the latter, they scheduled everything hours earlier. Leave the clocks alone. Just change the schedule.

Newell Post · May 27, 2022, 3:07 AM

@administrator You still have the problem of 00:00 hours.

J. Jericho · May 27, 2022, 4:14 AM

@administrator I prefer 24-hour time for the reasons; it's a logical arrangement to me.

@Newell-Post Why is 00:00 a problem?

Dr GO · May 27, 2022, 4:20 AM

I was assigned to cover the newborn nursery on the fallback during Daylight Saving time and was attending a twin birth. Twin A (which is how we referred to the first born), was birthed at 1:59 am. Twin B arrived 10 minutes later, and with the setback occurring at 2 am, Twin B, the second born, was recorded as being born at 1:10 am. So by records, the youngest Twin was born 49 minutes based on Daylight Saving time as before his older brother.