Posts made by SSmith1226

One of the entertainers on a cruise ship was a magician. Since the passengers were different each week, the magician always had a new audience so he always did the same tricks.
The captain’s parrot, however, was stationed in the performance hall and observed the magicians tricks week after week. Being a wise old bird, he eventually figured out all the magician’s secrets.
Then, irritatingly, he started heckling during the show. “Hey, why is every card the same? It’s in his cape pocket! It’s a different rabbit!”
The magician was fuming, but it was the captain’s parrot so he couldn’t really do anything.
One terrible day, however, the ship had a boiler explosion and sank. The magician wound up on a small raft in the middle of the Atlantic with, as luck would have it, the captain’s parrot.
They glared at each other with visible hatred but didn’t say a word. This went on for several days.
Finally on the tenth day, the parrot couldn’t take it any longer. Exasperated, he said: “Okay, I give up. Where’s the ship?”

Krumpus roaming the streets of Hallstatt, Austria

Sights and sounds of the Christmas Market at Rathauspark in Vienna, Austria tonight. Not Random, but what the hell!

A young man wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire himself out as a handy man and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for him to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” the owner said. “How much will you charge me?”
The man quickly responded: “How about $50?”
The owner agreed and told him that the paint and everything he would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband: “Does he realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?”
The husband shrugged and went off on his way. A short time later, the man came to the door to collect his money.
“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes,” the man replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the owner reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to him.
“And by the way,” the man added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

An old man who loves to fish was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say: “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again: “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said: “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said: “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said: “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said: “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?

One elderly man said "they send us on bus tours.

@Tobylou8 said in How about a "Random Meaningless Image...let's see them string"?:

@Tobylou8

@J-Jericho said in The One:
Now, I haven't explored high-dollar trumpets, but the way my Studio plays for me, I have no inclination to do so.

You are a stronger man than I am, J. Jericho!!!

@Dr-Mark
Good luck and come back any time after the dust clears! Your input will be missed.

The Hotel Bill

The lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $450.00 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman, "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes’ discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.
The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.
"Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have."

@fels said in Klezmer Music:

Our Brass Quintet played for Jewish service a couple of weeks ago. Several folks came up afterward and suggested we schedule another service followed by additional music after the service in the community room. We would love to do this but would like to include Klezmer. Any suggestions for brass quintet arrangements in klezmer style?

I agree with Kehaulani. Just “google” Klezmer For Brass quintet. This is an example of what you will find:
https://www.sheetmusicplus.com/ensembles/brass-quintet/klezmer/500005+700229

I haven’t researched where you can obtain the following outstanding arrangements, but here they are: