Posts made by SSmith1226

@barliman2001
That is quite an echo trumpet contraption that he has.

Five surgeons from the big cities are discussing which kind of person makes the best patient to operate on.
The first surgeon, a woman from New York, says: “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second, a man from Chicago, replies: “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour coded.”
A third surgeon from Boston adds: “No way! I think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth, from Dalas, says: “I’ve always liked construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

The final surgeon, from Washington DC, dismisses all the others and tells a story of his own.
“You’re all wrong,” he says. “Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no balls, no brains and no spine. Also, the head and ass are interchangeable.”

A Greek and a Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough said the Irishman, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said: “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
So the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweller said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said: “We’ll take it.”
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. “I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man and said: “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man. “But can you imagine the weekend I had?”

I was always better at Math than English Literature, but Anatomy and Biology were my strongest subjects.

The word allegory brings back nightmares of English Literature and Dante’s Inferno.
Meat = XY = Shl..g

Playing an instrument in a brass band can boost mental and physical health, research shows
By Daily Mail Reporter
01:53 10 Dec 2019, updated 01:55 10 Dec 2019

Some musicians also said they enjoyed improvements to preexisting conditions
One participant with asthma said it had helped them gain control over breathing
The research also found that the brass band players made new friends
Playing in a brass band boosts health and well-being, according to a new study.

Researchers found that tooting on a tuba can help to relieve stress, improve mental health and give players lungs as efficient as an elite athlete.

Sheffield University scientists circulated a questionnaire among current brass band players, asking them about the positive and negative effects of playing in a band.

The responses revealed that the overwhelming majority of players felt that performing in a brass band had improved their breath control and lung capacity.

Researchers found that tooting on a tuba can help to relieve stress, improve mental health and give players lungs as efficient as an elite athlete (file image)
Some musicians also said they enjoyed improvements to preexisting respiratory conditions.

One participant, who had played in a brass band for over 20 years and suffers with asthma, said that playing within a band had helped them gain control over their breathing.

When examined by a doctor, their lung capacity was compared to that of a top level sportsperson.

The study also revealed that playing in a brass band can have psychological benefits - such as relief from stress, increased resilience and improvements to overall mental health.

Another participant in the study, aged in their 30s, reported that concentrating on playing and following the lead of a conductor felt similar to the mental cleansing experienced during meditation.

One participant, with had played in a brass band for over 20 years and suffers with asthma, said that playing within a band had helped them gain control over their breathing (file image)
The research also found that brass band players made new friends, felt part of a community and enjoyed a sense of belonging from being part of a group of musicians.

One musician, who had started playing relatively late in life, said: 'If you are prepared to spend the time and effort to master a brass instrument, you will never be lonely or bored again.

'There are so many bands out there and many are crying out for players, that you could be out every day of the week playing with some band.

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'This in turn will lead to great social interaction with people of similar musical interests.'

Dr Michael Bonsor, from the University of Sheffield's Department of Music, said: 'Our research has clearly shown that playing in brass bands can be beneficial for individual physical, psychological and social well-being.

'Players report perceived improvements in respiratory and cardiovascular health, general fitness, cognitive skills, mental well-being and social engagement.

'Our survey respondents particularly valued the opportunities for community building, reporting a sense of social bonding and belonging, not only within the brass band world but also through their band's musical role in a range of public events and fundraising activities for the wider community.'

He added: 'We are hoping that these findings will encourage people to participate in this sociable way of contributing to our physical and mental health.'

The research was published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology: Performance Science

FULL ARTICLE:
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7774719/Playing-instrument-brass-band-boost-mental-physical-health-research-shows.html

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

“Watches and Jewelry”
“Wedding Rings”

Holliday Shopping:

“Well I’m in the Trumpet Shop right next to it.”

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer: “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. But, when he went to place them in his mailbox, all he found was a bill from the lawyer.

Tony had just finished reading a new book titled, “You Can Be The Man of Your House”.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced: “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a delicious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and make love the way that I want. Then, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, just take a wild guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
Without skipping a beat his wife answered: “The funeral director would be my first guess.”