A little humour





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  • I was in a D.C. band that toured the Virgin Islands. They had to rename the place after the band got back.



  • There was a man who worked for the
    Post Office whose job was to process
    all the mail that had illegible addresses.
    One day, a letter came addressed
    in a shaky handwriting to God
    with no actual address.
    He thought he should open it
    to see what it was about.
    The letter read:
    Dear God,
    I am an 83 year old widow,
    living on a very small pension.
    Yesterday someone stole my purse.
    It had $100 in it, which was
    all the money I had until my
    next pension payment.
    Next Sunday is Christmas,
    and I had invited two of my friends
    over for dinner. Without that money,
    I have nothing to buy food with,
    have no family to turn to,
    and you are my only hope.
    Can you please help me?
    Sincerely, Edna
    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers..
    Each one dug into his or her wallet
    and came up with a few dollars..
    By the time he made the rounds,
    he had collected $96, which they
    put into an envelope and sent
    to the woman. The rest of the day,
    all the workers felt a warm glow
    thinking of Edna and the dinner
    she would be able to share
    with her friends...
    Christmas came and went.
    A few days later, another letter
    came from the same old lady to God.
    All the workers gathered around
    while the letter was opened.
    It read:
    Dear God,
    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me ?
    Because of your gift of love,
    I was able to fix a glorious dinner
    for my friends. We had a very nice
    day and I told my friends of your
    wonderful gift.
    By the way, there was $4 missing.
    I think it might have been those
    bastards at the post office.
    Sincerely,
    Edna

    Can't please everyone..



  • When the American West was being settled, a group of people headed out west in a wagon train from the east coast. The trail boss was very inexperienced, and after a while the people realized that they were hopelessly lost. After wandering for weeks, their food supply was dwindling rapidly and winter was settling in.
    As they came over the brow of a hill, they laid their eyes on the first person they had seen for days: a little old Jewish man, a Litvak, no less, sitting beneath a tree enjoying a glass of hot tea.
    Hopeful, the trail boss approached the man.
    "Howdy, old man, can you help us? We're headin' west but we're lost! Our food is gone, and we're starving!"
    The old man replied, "Vell, I can see da future. Vait a minute." He held one hand to his brow, lifted the other into the air, and closed his eyes.
    "Vait! I'm getting ah vision! Yah! I see! I know vat you gotta do! Go up dis hill und down da udder side. Go through da forest und cross da stream. Den go up da next hill und down to da valley. Dere you vill find ah bacon tree."
    "A bacon tree?!!" exclaimed the trail boss.
    "Yah! Ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie to you."
    The trail boss shrugged and led the train off in that direction. What did they have to lose?
    They followed the old man's directions to the T. They drove their oxen up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down into the valley below.
    Nothing. Not a thing - and definitely not a bacon tree!
    All of a sudden, out of nowhere, they were attacked by an enormous band Indians. All in the train were massacred except for one survivor, and even he was seriously wounded. When he was able, he agonizingly retraced the train's meanderings until he came to the very tree where they had met the old man. Sure enough, right there under that same tree sat the little old man enjoying a hot glass of tea.
    The injured man crawled up to him, panting, and shouted furiously. "What were you thinking! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions to the letter - and NO BACON TREE! Just Indians! Thousands of them! And the rest of the party? THEY'RE ALL DEAD!"
    Quite concerned, the old man held his hand to his brow as before, lifted the other into the air, and closed his eyes. "Vait! Ay-yay-yay! Oy gevalt! I made a terrible mistake! It vuzn't a bacon tree! It vuz a ham bush!"



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  • Hi Niner,
    I've got bad news, My best friend ran off with my wife. Darned, I'm sure gonna miss him.





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  • A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales; So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The guy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, the same guy, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the guy said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."



  • @Tobylou8 said in A little humour:

    A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales; So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The guy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, the same guy, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the guy said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

    A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are sitting in a pub in America and the Scott says, "As good as this pub is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs to a private room and see that you gets some real fun, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."



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  • It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
    When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

    At the second house, they presented him with an 18-carat gold watch.
    The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whiskey.
    At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.

    She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
    "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

    "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
    "I asked him what to give you".
    He said, "F**k-him. Give him a fiver."



  • Hi Niner,
    Now that's a good one!
    Here's a little humor for our friends down under.
    A Madame at a popular brothel in New Orleans sent out a notice that she was looking for a 40 year old virgin male. Being a port city, the message was sent around the world and within a month, a 40 year old male virgin was found in Australia. A merchant marine smuggled him to New Orleans and took the man to see the Madame at her room. The woman asked, "So, You've never been with a woman, right?" the man from down under said, "No ma'am. I've been with kangaroos but never a woman." She then said, "Wait right there." She then disappeared into another room where she prepared for the night. When she reappeared, all the furniture was shoved to the walls and all that was left was an open area in the middle of the room. The madame said, "what in the heck are you doing!?!" The man said, "if a woman is anything like a kangaroo, we'll need all the room we can get."



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    Happy Halloween !!!!!!!



  • OK, redact me. I dare you.

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  • What’s a good demonstration of the difference between a man and a woman?

    The two meanings of the sentence: “What an ass!”


    A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

    A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!”


    A tourist is enjoying the sights from the famous Tashkent tower in Uzbekistan when suddenly a guy in a hang-glider arrives,
    smashes into the tower and tumbles down to certain death.

    Shortly afterwards, a second hang-glider does exactly the same.

    The horrified tourist turns to the local guide, asking what on earth just happened.

    The guide shrugs, “You know how it is. Poor country, poor terrorists.”


    A person helping a criminal evade law before he’s arrested is called an accomplice.

    A person helping a criminal evade law once he’s been arrested is called a lawyer.


    How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Just one. They’re fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.


    I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years running.

    The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.


    Q: How long does an Irishman need to reach a Blood Alcohol Level of .08?

    A: About two days of no drinking.



  • When I was a kid, I got separated from my parents at Coney Island. In panic, I saw a cop and said,
    "Pardon me, sir, but could you help me find my parents?"
    "Gee, I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide."



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