A little humour

grune

uh, grammatically...

Accordion to ~~who~~ whom ?

Dr GO

@grune said in A little humour:

uh, grammatically...

Accordion to ~~who~~ whom ?

But I was talking to grammpa.

BigDub

@Dr-GO said in A little humour:

@grune said in A little humour:

uh, grammatically...

Accordion to ~~who~~ whom ?

But I was talking to grammpa.
Thank you

Dr GO

barliman2001

A wife, being somewhat romantic, sends a text to her husband who's on a business trip:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears...I love you!"
The husband's reply?
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Dr GO

Vulgano Brother

New trumpet valve invented.

Newell Post

@Vulgano-Brother "You're gonna need a bigger trumpet", to paraphrase "Jaws."

J. Jericho

@Vulgano-Brother It certainly should suppress unwanted noise.

BigDub

I saved these for quite a while. They are worth revisiting. Supposedly from actual court proceedings. You be the judge, pardon the pun.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Newell Post

@BigDub I swear on a stack of bibles that I am good personal friends with the professor of forensic pathology who said the last one.

barliman2001

In this rather macabre vein, I quote James Young Simpson who during an operation suddenly turned to the anesthesist, saying, "Dear colleague, I don't know how the patient is doing at your end, but he seems to be dead at mine."

Dr GO

@barliman2001 said in A little humour:

In this rather macabre vein, I quote James Young Simpson who during an operation suddenly turned to the anesthesist, saying, "Dear colleague, I don't know how the patient is doing at your end, but he seems to be dead at mine."

Reminds me of an ACTUAL situation where I was the patient. I was a poor grad student living in NYC where the cost of living is as sky high as the buildings, and had a knee injury requiring surgery. The anesthesiologist came in the room and told me his plan. In order to try to cut costs on my medical expenses I asked him if there was any way he could cut his fee down by half. He told me for half fee, he would just put me under.

barliman2001

Like the guy who went to the dentist and was asked whether he wanted his tooth drawn first class or second class. "Well... what's the difference?" he asked. "Oh, it's quite simple. Second class, you get all the young nurses and all the old equipment, and in first class, it's the other way round."

barliman2001

A Scotsman phones a dentist's surgery. "Eh, mon, what's the cost o' drawin' a tuith?" - "That would be fifty pounds, sir." - "Canna I get it a wee bit cheaper?" - "Certainly, sir. 25 pounds, but that is with only initial anesthesia and limited equipment." - Canne ye make it even cheaper?" - "Well, yes, sir, we can do it for ten pounds, but that is without any anesthesia and just using a plain set of blacksmith's pincers. Very painful process." - "Can ye make an appointment for Thursday for ma mither-in-law?"

BigDub

@Newell-Post said in A little humour:

@BigDub I swear on a stack of bibles that I am good personal friends with the professor of forensic pathology who said the last one.

One Bible is sufficient

barliman2001

What's the name for the breathalyzer used by Mexican Police?

Coronatest

BigDub

Someone stole the wheels from a patrol car. Police are pursuing the perpetrator tirelessly.

Vandals made hole in nudist colony fence. Police are looking into it.

Unknown suspect broke into the police precinct headquarters and stole all the toilets. Investigators have nothing to go on.

Thieves broke into the Mexican Phone Company and stole an undisclosed amount of equipment, Taco Bell reports.

J. Jericho

Subject: Word Play

ARBITRATOR A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
HEROES What a man in a boat does
PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
PARADOX Two physicians
PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
POLARIZE What penguins see through
PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
RELIEF What trees do in the spring
RUBBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
PARADIGMS Twenty cents

Dr GO

NARCOLEPSY A narcotics officer with a seizure disorder.