Best posts made by barliman2001

Two Scotsmen are having a posh meal in an expensive restaurant. At the end of the meal, one of them is heard calling for the bill for both of them.
The newspaper headline next day?

VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED

An Austrian comic paper today had recommendations for the gourmet in the times of Coronavirus... "Ten recipes for pasta with toilet paper". Things like "Boil pasta, rinse and dry. Mix in half-square inch bits of toilet paper, and sprinkle with hand sanitizer."

@kehaulani That's why I take pictures!!

@Niner An American, a Japanese and an Austrian are sitting together in a bar. Suddenly, there is a ring, the American spreads his fingers and begins talking. Finishing, he explains: "New American mobile phone technology. The phone is integrated into thumb and pinkie." Some time later, there is another ring and the Japanese begins talking rapidly. Afterwards, he explains: "Revorutionary Japanese technorogy. Mobire phone buirt into teeth." Some time later, there is a terrible smell. Quietly, the Austrian says, "I think I'm getting a fax..."

I have just learnt that Dusko Gojkovich has passed away after seven decades of a very full career that included playing with all the greats of the International Jazz world.

It's a personal thing for me as I once had a very impromptu chance of playing with him - I was attending a concert of his big band in renowned Munich jazz club "Unterfahrt", with a friend of mine playing 4th trumpet. Shortly before the interval, my friend collapsed on stage and had to be taken to hospital by ambulance for a ruptured gall bladder (he recovered and is well). While being carried out, he told me to take his place and carry on, and Dusko okayed that I jump in. I always carry my mouthpiece, or I would not have been able to do so. And so I played the second half of the concert, on an unfamiliar instrument, sight-reading (or attempting to) a programme I had never rehearsed, and managed at least not to blunder too audibly. Afterwards, Dusko told me that whenever he played in Munich, I was to have a free ticket, and invited me to a civic ceremony where he was given the Munich Medal of Honour (only twelve living incumbents at any one time!) and the Freedom of the City...
A good friend, a wonderful musician... may he now see all his friends again.

When I'd paid for my new, rather expensive wallet, I did not need it anymore...

Just wanted to tell you that from 3 May until 16 May, I'll be in the lovely coast town of Cefalù in Sicily, as 1st trumpet of the Filarmonici di Cefalù orchestra. We are rehearsing and performing two programmes, one containing Brahms' Second Symphony and Elgar's Enigma Variations, the second a mixed chamber music programme involving trumpets only in Elgar's Salut d'Amour and a wind ensemble arrangement of his Elegy.
The whole thing is organized by a cello player under the brand name of Symphonic Holidays, www.dacapo-travel.eu.
I presume - from my previous experience with Symphonic Holidays - that it will be a gorgeous event, with lots of glorious Italian food, sea and sun and sand, with little to no time to be spent at a computer. Expect me when you see me back. Ciao!

P.S.: For those who mght be interested in gear, I am carrying a one-brand-only gig bag containing my Courtois Balanced Bb for Enigma, my Courtois Roger Delmotte D for Brahms and my Courtois Bb/A cornet for the rest.

"Doctor, I always imagine that I'm a dog." - "Okay, we can tackle that. Will you please lie down on the sofa?" - "I'm not allowed on the sofa..."

Almost the whole of Austria is a disaster zone just now, with continuous torrential rain over the last week... many communities are flooded, and the first deaths have occurred. Luckily, our house is built on stilts so that we can still hope to escape relatively unscathed; but at this moment, our garden is almost three feet under water.
Luckily, we were able to save about three weeks' worth of firewood - our only heating source! - all the garden appliances are now in the house, and we have filled every container with water, and the larder is full of dry and canned foods, and over the last weeks, we preserved many hundreds of jars of our home-grown fruit (cherries, apples, pears, peaches, apricot, grapes, plums and quince) which is good because our community is now isolated from outside. Fire service and army are helping or evacuating those that are not so fortunate... so if any appeals for help reaches you, be so good as to donate. Many people have already lost everything; and in many areas of Austria, you can't get flood insurance.

Our street

Our and the neighbour's garden

"Dad, where can I do my number twos now?"

Warning! Not PC!

The UN recently did a survey, asking "What in your honest opinion can be done about the lack of food in the rest of the world?"
The answers showed slight problems with vocabulary: Americans did not know "the rest of the world", Africans did not know "food", Germans did not know "lack", Italians did not know "honest", and Russians did not know "opinion".

It's that time of year again... Welsh scratch brass band Coronation Brass are recruiting for players to join them for their annual participation at the European Folklore Festival in Bitburg, Germany.
11th to 15th July, 2025
I'll include the official invitation letter.

It's always a really fun event as TBers Steve Smith and Ivan Hunter can bear witness to... five gigs in four days, with no rehearsal (everything sight-read in front of appreciative audiences), with the chance to sit in with other bands of very different descriptions.

Details in the official letter and either from me or from Nick Jones (contacts in the letter).

"Coronation Brass
Coronationbrass@hotmail.com
Y Gaer
Llanfair Caereinion
WELSHPOOL
SY21 0DG
+44 7811 946826
February 2025
Invitation – European Folklore Festival, Bitburg.
11th – 15th July 2025.
Dear All
I hope this finds you well – this is a formal invitation to you to participate in Coronation Brass’s annual trip to the
Festival in Bitburg this July.
We had a fabulous trip last year, and it was fantastic to have a virtually full band for once! All our concerts were a
roaring success as always.
I’m hoping we can get a fairly full band together again this year, and as always if you know of any players who
you think would fit in with us, please feel free to pass this letter on. We always seem to struggle for cornets for
some reason, so get your thinking caps on!
As in the last couple of years, I won’t be arranging transport – the easiest way to reach Bitburg is to fly to
Luxembourg, and there is a bus transit from the airport to the town. If you’re driving, let me know if you’ve got any
spare seats and anyone struggling with transport please drop me a line, and I’ll see what I can do.
Accommodation and meals are provided – The price is the same as last year - £220 for four nights.
The full schedule has not been completed yet, but it is likely that our first performance will be on Saturday
afternoon. This means that you can either arrange to arrive on Friday afternoon, or Saturday morning. The final
concert will be on Monday evening.
For those of you who haven't been before, we play a programme of what can best be described as cheese, sorry,
brass band classics, in a central square in the small city of Bitburg. It's part of the European Folklore Festival
which has, in previous years, seen musicians and dancers from across the world perform to large audiences. We
will play two or three concerts each day and there's plenty of opportunity to enjoy the festival and all the brewery
town has to offer.
I don’t need definite numbers at the moment, but if you would like to join us, please let me know as soon as you
can. Also, if you know you definitely can’t make it, then please get in touch so I can approach another player.
Feel free to contact me for further information
I hope to see you in July!
Nick Jones
Coronation Brass"

And if you don't have a cornet, but would like to join - there are always a few spare cornets around to borrow. Just tell us in advance, and bring a suitable mouthpiece.

How do you know a drummer is at the door? -
The cat flap opens at 2 and 4.

Ok, the tone of the discussion is getting more and more acid. I am closing this thread before bad language and undesirable arguments creep in.

"Trumpet playing is singing, just without a sore throat."
Maurice André

Bass player at the psychologist:
"Doc, no one pays any attention to me..."
Doc: "Next, please!"

A Scotsman phones a dentist's surgery. "Eh, mon, what's the cost o' drawin' a tuith?" - "That would be fifty pounds, sir." - "Canna I get it a wee bit cheaper?" - "Certainly, sir. 25 pounds, but that is with only initial anesthesia and limited equipment." - Canne ye make it even cheaper?" - "Well, yes, sir, we can do it for ten pounds, but that is without any anesthesia and just using a plain set of blacksmith's pincers. Very painful process." - "Can ye make an appointment for Thursday for ma mither-in-law?"

"Doctor, my hands are always shaking so badly..." -
"That comes from too much drink!" -
"Can't be that, Doc, I'm spilling most of it..."

No. That was an unsigned autograph card for an already established soloist.

Eminent psychiatrist passes away unexpectedly and goes to heaven. He is mildly surprised at the Pearly Gates to be met by a confused St. Peter who rushes him in and exclaims, "Sorry for rushing you up a bit early... but we've got a very bad case of megalomania on our hands... The Good Lord is always waving His arms around and is thinking he is Karajan!"